The sun come out tomorrow so you better hang on til tomorrow,
come what may. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow,
you’re always a day away. – Little Orphan Annie

Doldrum.
I am a lost sailboat, floating amidst a vast ocean of stillness, and in my helplessness, I wait patiently for the next ship to pass by and rescue me, or for the wind to blow my sail again.

Our Ethics professor, The Great, ehem, Sir Varona, introduced a rather new word to us in class: Doldrum – that phenomena where sailors get stuck in the middle of the ocean because they happened to sail through the eye of an air current. This ‘eye’ is like a vacuum several miles wide where there is no wind to blow the boats towards a certain direction. They say, this is among the risks of sailing because it could last for days, and upon its occurrence, there really isn’t anything to do but wait.

While dictionaries define the word doldrums as something less appealing – sadness, depression, dejection, despair, pessimism, and the list goes on – I prefer to use the word the way The Great, ehem, Sir Varona used it.

Ironically, while I found myself learning so many somethings from this professor, and while I’ve learned to love him (totoo) and his class (yeah, yeah, shoot me), it doesn’t seem like he likes me back. Ha, ha. (Kawawa naman ako. Hehe.) And well, maybe the subject, Com191 (that’s the UP CMC term for Ethics), doesn’t like me back either.

And so I have to take the final exams.

And so the whole semester of bloodshed over chapters and chapters of that brain-draining Ethics book, plus all those class discussions and right-minus-wrong exams, boils down to this one big day when I have to take the exam along with several other less fortunate souls. (I say they are 'less fortunate' because it’s not as if they/we don’t study – everyone studies for Ethics, I can attest to that – but because well, Sir Varona’s style is not really everybody else’s style.)

And so the hopes of graduating this summer suddenly depend on the results of that one exam (at least as far as the university is concerned).

Make it or break it. Do or die.

Doldrum eh? Yep, that’s where I am now. Right in the middle of it. No wind. Shoreline is too far to see. Nothing but vast skies and endless water in sight. And well, if I am a sailor, there’s nothing else to do but wait.

Suddenly, everything is blurry. Suddenly, I have no choice but to browse through the dusty photocopied readings I’ve already kept in a box along with other old and dustier books I have planned to throw away this summer. Suddenly, all the plans and dreams I have been looking forward to have to be put on hold.

I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m tapping my foot and biting my fingernails in trembling successions.

But I know that at the end of all these, I can proudly tell the whole world that God was the wind that blew me safely home.

Just a Day Away.
Lately, I often find myself closing my eyes and hoping that when I open them, the semester is over, and I’m already inside the busy walls of OMF Lit, taking my practicum. Or, inside a plane bound to Australia to attend the Hillsongs Conference. Or, somewhere in the distant future, old, gray-haired and wrinkly, sitting on a big soft couch with a thick knitted blanket to keep me warm, watching the raindrops through a big glass window, and holding someone’s reassuring and also-wrinkly hand. (Er, too far, Riz, too far. Hehe).

If only it's possible, today was the perfect time to pull the gold thread. Skip the agony of suspense. Fastforward to the next month. Find out if I'm meant to graduate or not without going through the torture anymore. Get a glimpse of where I'm heading. Allow impatience and panic to take over.

But just when I was about to close my eyes again, I remembered that tomorrow is still God's. I was reminded that everything that happens in our lives is designed for us to draw nearer to Him. That He will cause all things to work together for good.

And I realize that whatever plan God had for me yesterday is the same plan He has for me today, and tomorrow, and the next day.. until its completion.

Ergo, I need not fret. Best thing to do is to take a leap of faith today, endure the torture, and await the safe landing. After all, it's not gona be long.

After all, tomorrow is just a day away.

Plugs: Joni Tina (happy birthday girl!!) Jampot Normi Deb Trisha Nonie
Your comments never fail to light up my day. Thanks, thanks. :)

Riz Blabbered @ 2:26:00 AM.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done. Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are. – Casting Crowns

I was traversing the chaos of EDSA, my mind adrift from all the noise. I was deprived of sleep the previous night because of one big presentation we just got over with, and the only activity my brain was capable of doing (other than sending signals to my leg muscles to move – which is involuntary anyway), was to watch my left and right feet racing against each other as I walked.

Then almost unconsciously, I started humming these lines from a song I remember a friend once made me listen to. Suddenly, I stopped watching my feet altogether (for my brain, as I said, was only capable of doing one activity at a time) and started to recall how the song went.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

Apparently, those were the only lines I remembered. But perhaps, those were the only lines I needed at that time.

Then I found out that it’s easier to think about God’s goodness and blessings than watching your feet and waiting which foot is going to win the race (pinaglaban daw ang mga paa, hehe). That even though you feel like your eyelids are shutting off and your body is slowly deteriorating and longing for the comforts of a bed, it only takes minimal amount of energy (and it's relaxing even) to utter a word of prayer and thanks for the unanticipated academic fulfillments, simple joys, and dreams that are happening right before your eyes:

Getting the highest score in a midterm exam, Dad surviving a week in the hospital, getting approved to hold practicum at OMF Literature this coming April, Australia getting nearer and more real each day (Hi Ate Dots & Kuya Mitch, if you’re reading, I’m gonna email you soon.ü), and taking pleasure in the truth that God is doing something in this life of mine, unimportant and unnoticed in this world as it may seem.

Now, I happen to be in yet again another crucial moment of my college life. They call it hell week, I call it faith week. And inasmuch as I want to update this site more often (and share with you what God’s been doing in my life), with the finals coming up, my thesis and several other papers waiting in line, and a big time Media Research presentation na kailangang karirin – I’m surprised I even got the drive to blog here, in a net café (my modem is in ruins, pfft) in the middle of it all. What can I say, for blog aficionados such as I am, some things are just meant to be done no matter how busy life may be. Just one blog, I said to myself, then I’d disappear again. Hehe.

As for the competition between my two feet which existed only in my mind (Ahhh sanity! Where art thou in times like these?), I forgot to monitor which foot won. But of course it didn't matter. In the end, what mattered was they got me to where I was going, and in reality, I wouldn’t have to worry about them being a competition to each other. In fact, they are even designed to work together to serve their purpose (thank God!).

Lessons of the Week.
Surviving the past weeks is grace. Braving the strong waves against my tattered and worn-out shell with God as my sail is faith. Achievements and fulfillments throughout the month is joy. Learning about myself the hard way, admitting who I’ve become, and accepting change is courage. Knowing that He cares, that He sees each tear that falls, that He listens to every prayer, even those groanings too deep for words, is love.

Grace. Faith. Joy. Courage. Love. These are just a few things God taught me this week. And I know I could go on and on trying to define what I know of these concepts base from how God allowed me to experience them, but even so, He will always have more to uncover, new things to reveal each day, in every opportunity that comes by.

Such things you don’t learn in any textbooks, or in school. Such things He can only teach.

I am His.
Have I mentioned I am one repressed student in Ethics class? Well, I’m mentioning it now, hehe. Because I wasn’t used to being bibo in class discussions, I often just sit in one silent corner with all my thoughts, retaliations included, stuck in my head.

Last week, our professor, The Great, ehem, Sir Varona, asked the class this question we often hear: “If you were going to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best; 1, the worst), where shall you place yourself?” One by one my classmates raised their hands, excited to share their thoughts. Almost all of them placed themselves above average, but were careful enough not to say that s/he's a 10.

As for me, if I were given a chance to speak up then, I would probably say that in human standards, I’m a 5. Or maybe even less. I am often unconfident about myself, about what I can do, about who I am. I have always been vocal about not really knowing which field I excel in, often thinking that I’m mediocrity personified. In my lifetime I have hurt people (even those I care about) because I am selfish, arrogant, insensitive, and because of this I only feel more dismayed of myself. Too much frustrations, eh?

But then again, in this seemingly disappointing life that I have, I learned (and continually being reminded so) that it is only when I see myself in God’s eyes that I shall know my real worth. Yes, I am still a non-graduate. Laziness incarnate. Mediocre. A spoiled brat. A frustrated musician. A wannabe in a lot of things. A sinner. A nobody.

But I am His.

And in this life, that’s the one thing that matters to me above everything else. And perhaps, to answer Sir Varona’s question, I am, yes, in God’s eyes, a 10.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

If only I had the chance to say that in Ethics class.

Haay. Haaaaaay. :)

Plugs: (It's been a long time since I last did this)
♥Mikks Jampot Aichee Normi Vanya Daxi
Thanks for the comments guys. :)

Riz Blabbered @ 10:09:00 AM.