Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

Thoughts of a Nocturnal.
It’s past 3am and I just had coffee. I’m intoxicated. Not good, but I have no choice. I have deadlines to face.

It is in times like this, when everyone in this side of the planet is already halfway through dreamland that I work best. And it helps an enormous lot to have a tall mug of caffeine, filled to the brim, to accompany my sleepless night. I have so much to do but I need to blog. Uh, I don’t know, I just need to.

Blink, blink.

Who am I? (No, not spiderman.)
Sometimes I still come to that point of uncertainty, contemplating if I really am where God wants me to be. Yes, I cannot see myself anywhere else but in this field of communication. Through the years I have grown to love what I’m doing and the thought that I’d be doing this for the rest of my life. However, there often come times when I am doubtful of my capabilities as a communicator, as a researcher. And there I go asking God if I really am for this.

I was recently reading this book, Moments for Singles, and there was a part there which says we should know who we are, and where our place is in this world. Then she ends the chapter with a question, “How about you? Who are you?” It seemed like an easy question to answer, yes. But apparently, I didn’t know how. Up to now, I’m still somewhat thinking about it. Now don’t say, “why, you’re Riz!”, I already thought about that too. It's obviously more than that, silly!ü

Blink, blink.

I didn’t know how to answer that particular question, really. I have a passion for a lot of things, but I cannot say that I am an expert at those things I have passion for. I write, but I’m not really a writer (my undying wish to become a poet has still yet to be realized). I love music, but I really am not a musician -- I have rhythm, can sing in tune, and can blend, but I don’t stand out at all (there goes my perpetual dream of becoming a singer too); I play keyboards and guitar, but I'm not super good at them either. I do webdesign, but I am not an expert at it. I love computers, but I don’t have the capacity to understand complicated programming and all those InfoTech junk. I like talking but I don’t have enough confidence to face a video camera and become an actress or a broadcaster. I am, as the good ol phrase says, a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.

Now I really don’t know if that’s good or bad.

Blink, blink.

Of love and friendship.
I am addicted, by the way, to my tabulas account (wala langü). As I have posted there the other day, I have been thinking about love and friendship a frequent lot the past few days. I think it’s because right now, I feel like I’m in the middle of some sort of an alternate universe where common friends fall in love, taking their friendships on to a deeper level, right before my eyes. Ok, it's not just a feeling, it's really happening. Ahh, and it’s good, yes. After all, friendship should be the foundation of love, as my good friend would say. But somehow, I still haven’t really overcome that fear of risking friendships to serious relationships (that could possibly end anyway) just yet. I still am a long way behind.

I debated on the topic with my friend just last night. And somehow, I cannot explain to him why I’m so skeptical when it comes to friendships and relationships (not to mention that “being equally yoked” part in the Bible, if you know what I mean). Then I came to an inference that maybe, I really don’t have any explanations at all. All I know is I need to higher my standards and obey God, and my obedience needs not any rationale, or explanations. It should be like that after all. We need not understand everything but we have to obey. I guess that's the whole point. Just as Abraham obeyed to sacrifice Isaac without really understanding why he had to, so are we to lay down the desires and longings of our hearts for that incomprehensible joy in God.

Besides, I know I have failed Him a lot of times before in this matter. That's the last thing I want to happen again right now.

Finally, maybe I’m simply not ready to think about those things. There are far greater things to think about in this world, right? And for me, these don’t include those things just yet (totoo!ü). After all, I'm still enjoying my lovelife with my God.ü

Blink, blink.

He cares.
I worry a lot about my future (and yeah, about this thesis proposal too, most particularly, heheü). I’ll be doing my thesis alone, have I blogged about that yet? Yep, no thesis partner for me. Man, can I really pull this off? I'm a teamplayer, I usually work well with a group. But I guess somehow, God wants me to become dependent on Him, and not on a bunch of thesis mates.

Yeah, I guess that’s it.

Blink, blink.

So in conclusion to all these caffeine-influenced thoughts, I say, God cares a whole lot about me. His assurance in Matthew 6 is more than just a proof of His love, it’s a promise. "He cares about the birds of the air and lilies of the field", and we are eternally guaranteed that "we are worth much more than they", that He cares for us far beyond what our limited comprehension can reach.

Now if He cares about the little details in my life such as providing me coffee for the night, how much more does He care for my thesis, my future, and my place in this world.

Thus, I shall rest tonight knowing that no matter how chaotic, directionless and uncertain it may seem, and no matter how skeptical and doubtful I could be at times, my life is in the hands of the God of this vast universe we’re in. The God of those wandering birds and wildflowers. The God who cares.

Now isn’t that one of the most assuring truths?ü

Sigh. There. I got it out. Back to my research. My coffee is getting cold.ü

Blink, blink.

Riz Blabbered @ 3:55:00 AM.

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Speechless.
You're wonderful Lord, words fail me.. Can I just cry in your embrace?

* * *

Precious Jesus
     Help me fall
          more in love with You
               abandoning my time
                    my possessions
                         my old habits
                              my reputation
                                   my anxieties
breaking each
     alabaster jar
          at Your feet. 

-- Kathy Troccoli, Falling in Love with Jesus 

* * *
 
I'm a work in progress, Lord. Please don't give up on me.

Riz Blabbered @ 1:48:00 AM.

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I had a dream.
I dreamt the other day that a tiny insectlike creature bit me on my index finger (hindi naman mukhang spider yung insect, hehe) and left me with a disease that would only let me live for 2 days. Syempre napasama si Ate Jam sa dream ko. She was the first person I told my "disease" to. She didn't believe me. She just laughed. It was a classic reaction. I probably would have done the same thing. :)

Haay. Friendships nga naman.

Anyway, I woke up, and automatically checked on my finger if there was any wound or puncture at all. There wasn't any. Whew.

Bacteria.
Incidentally, I was having stomachaches since Saturday night. I thought I was just having hyperacidity or something. It continued on the whole day of Sunday, til now. It started to bother me, and my parents, and after that weird dream the other day, I thought that maybe something's seriously wrong with my system tapos may terminal disease na pala ako (hehe, paranoid). Anyway, we called our doctor up, and I described to her what I've been going through. She told me I need not worry coz meron lang daw akong nakain na bacteria (Whaaat??! And you're telling me I need not worry??). I figured I must have gotten it from some streetfood, or from the pastries I bought from the school cafeteria the other day.

Anyway, she prescribed me some medicine, and she gave me restrictions on what to eat and not to eat. I'm not allowed to take in softdrinks, junkfood (salty and cheesed flavored, most especially, ugh!), milk, cheese, and yes, streetfood. Instead of those, I should splurge in on SkyFlakes, bananas, and weak tea (whatda?). Man, I hope not for long.

God must be teaching me something on my eating habits. Sigh.

Ok, ok, I'm trying to learn it real quick Lord, can you let me go through this fast, please? :)

Riz Blabbered @ 2:36:00 PM.

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In the midst of one thesis deadline, and two research presentations (all due this week), plus several other responsibilities in church and at esbi, I change my layout again.

Busy kamo?ü

Hindi Mapakali.
Thing is, our PC has finally recovered again from a major overhauling and despite my best efforts to resist, the neurons within the recesses of my cells and tissues (how’s that again, doc?) seem to rise above my heartfelt self-imposed resolutions, igniting my brain to direct my nerves and muscles to click on the computer, and allow my creative juices to freely flow into making a.. ta-da, new layout. So here now is the product of my excited neurons (I can just imagine them, microscopic as they are, jumping up and down all over my bloody cells), never mind the incorrectness of my attempt at a scientific rationale. (What the heck am I saying?)

Other than these irresistible biological urges (I hope I'm not starting to become a disgrace to science, hehe), what inspired this layout is firstly, my renewed love for pastel colors (pink, most especially.ü), and secondly, a classic song I recently heard from Kuya Igor of Meantime Band.

You see, two fridays ago, Ate Jam, Jen, and I went to watch the great HiBeam at Fullcup. Let me just say, despite its irrelevance to what I'm supposed to be blogging about, that I am such a rockstar fan. (They really should start paying me, us, hehe). HiBeam, as usual, was great. Nothing/Nobody has really made me appreciate loud music better than these guys.

Anyway, that night at Fullcup, right after HiBeam's set, came Meantime Band. There he was, Kuya Igor, the lead vocalist, effortlessly transitioning from hard music to soft jazz-slash-acoustic one, amazing us all with his knee-jelling voice. Inevitably, the moment he announced the end of their set, everyone just started shouting, “more, more!” And so, graciously doing us a favor, they rendered one last song, as if to put more icing to their already thickly fudged cake -- Rainbow Connection (<--click here, this is cutiee), in all its simplicity.

Why are there so many.. songs about rainbows? And what's on the other side?"

All three of us sat there in mushy momentous silence, sighing one after the other the whole time. I found myself closing my eyes, absorbed by the smooth flow of the music that seemed to take me away to a place where dreams come... nah!! Just got carried away. Hehe, di naman ganun kadrama. (I didn't close my eyes naman noh!). Pero `steeg talaga! I've heard the song thousands of times already but something in the way he sang it inspired the.. uhm.. neurons out of me. Something like that, hehe.

Since then, I have been conceptualizing in my mind the next layout I want for this site. As usual, hindi na naman mapakali! Arrg.

So there. Now here goes, again, the product of my inspired neurons. I guess I'll be sticking with this layout for the meantime (pun intended, heheü), and hope that you guys would like it too.

Man, if only thesis-making is as fun as webdesign, then I'd be one helluva suma cum laude. Sadly though, it's not.. so I guess I'll just settle for magna. Ha, ha! I wish!

Ariiight, gotta go, gotta go. c",)

Riz Blabbered @ 7:44:00 PM.

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