I’m back. c",)

Ok, so I was gone again. I wasn’t on a hiatus, but well, yes, I left without any warning here so let me explain first, Mikks. (Yo Mikks, my avid reader, you’re the best, dude, hehe, don’t worry, I’m ok.) I just got home yesterday night from IVCF’s annual weeklong Leadership-Discipleship Camp for college students. I served as one of the coordinators/counselors to about 85 campers from all over National Capital Region from October 21 to 27. So there, that’s where I’ve been.

Why Was I There?
I didn’t know too. Months ago, I was invited to be one of the counselors. I said I’d pray about it. Two weeks prior to camp, I sort-of had those silent days with God. I was on a spiritual monotone which, most of the time, led to nights of depression, guilt, and emptiness. I attended church services feeling a sense of hypocrisy, knowing well that my heart is partial, unenthusiastic. I layout-ed the camp manual with a sense of obligation, only because there’s no one else to do the job. I prepared the curriculum we needed for the camp, questioning God why I had to. Mostly, I know my heart wasn’t there, but I felt like something’s driving my feet to the direction of the camp.

In all those times I longed to cry, to release all the confusion and weariness I feltin my heart. Still, I know I had to be there.

Sometimes, when God calls you to a certain mission or responsibility, the call is too clear, too definite, as if it came with lightning and you actually heard God’s voice telling you what to do (just as Saul heard God’s voice with a light flashed before him, prior to his conversion, Acts 9). But sometimes, the calling just isn’t clear and you’re faced with so many questions, and uncertainties.

I went there feeling inadequate, unworthy. I knew I wasn’t prepared spiritually. I knew I wasn’t ready to serve. I knew I wasn’t ready to be one of the supposed “models”, and I knew deep inside that I was holding on to something I cannot let go of. Still, I went there, with a sincere prayer for God to minister to me as well, in spite of.

Blindness.
I knew I was running away from Him. I knew He was instructing me to do something that I’m not yet ready of. I knew I was neglecting Him. I knew that my heart is starting to be hardened, little by little.

The night before the campers arrived, I, along with the other counselors, had our own spiritual preparation. We’ve done that several times before that for a moment there, I refused to be moved. I was skeptical. In my mind, I was prepared to be made to feel guilty and unworthy, and I didn’t like it. But then, God has His own ways. And you just can’t help but be amazed because even the hardest of hearts can be made broken with Him.

With my eyes blindfolded, I was led to an empty space on the beach, with the sand on my feet and the cold air on my face. There was nothing but silence. I was alone with God. I felt like there was no other choice but to face my fears, to speak to Him and allow Him to speak to me. There and then, I heard Him say, “Nak, kailangan ko pa bang takpan ang mga mata mo at ilagay ka sa kawalan para makuha ko ang atensyon mo?” Behind the blindfolds I felt the tears. In the midst of the cold, I felt His warm embrace.

All I was ever able to tell him that time were cries of apology and repentance. And on and on, He assured me of His love.

He loves me, even in my unworthiness. He uses me, even in my disobedience. He assures me of His promises, even in my selfishness and pride. Where can you find such love?

Struggles.
The Christian life is a cycle of struggles. God brings us to mountain top experiences, and sends us back to the valley where we are made to face pains, hurts, uncertainties, tough choices. We fall, we stumble, and He does something again to win us back. I’m sure everyone of you will agree that being a Christian is not an easy thing to do. We are tested every day, and are called to do almost impossible tasks. However, on top of the pain, sacrifices, and struggles that come along with being a Christian, is the inexplainable joy that only God can give.

Again and again, I say, in spite of all the stumbling and unworthiness, inspite of knowing our deepest thoughts and selfish desires, God loves us just the same. Astig ka talaga, Lord.

I’m back home, and I know the real battlefield starts here, now. I still find myself broken to pieces, but I know, in God’s own time, He’ll mold me and make me complete, just as He wants me to be. And I’m just glad that God is so patient with me, as He is with everyone of us.

You search me, You know me, You see my every move
There’s nothing I could ever do to hide myself from You
You know my thoughts, my fears and hurts, my weaknesses and pride
You know what I’m going through,what I feel inside

And even though You know, You will always love me
Even though You know, You’ll never let me go
I don’t deserve Your love but You give it freely
You will always love me, even though You know...

(thanks for sharing this song with me, Rits. *winks*)

With just His love, nothing else matters.

Riz Blabbered @ 1:50:00 PM.

Road Trip.
Cast of Characters: One Pastor almost 40 years of age and his wife for 12 years; a 26 year old petite girl (a Pastor’s Kid, at that) who’s back from Australia with her husband who is 28 years old – both of whom are worship leaders in a church in Punchbowl, Australia; a mother in her mid-thirties who’s got six kids; and a twenty-one year old college student, also a Pastor’s Kid, who’s having her semestral break and has got nothing to do kaya napasama.

Imagine all six of these people, different ages and lifestyles, bound together for one day of road-trip to tagaytay – and for that, had bridged generations gaps, talked about anything from the most trivial stuff to complicated matters on family, love, and life.

They’re my cousins by the way. I’ve always been thankful that I was given such wonderful and closely-knitted relatives. More so, I’ve always been thankful I’m blessed with so many things. Yesterday was just another day to thank Him for.

Just One Confession.
I only got two hours of sleep the day before (slept at 5am, mind you). The shallowness of my sleep was abruptly interrupted by a wake call from my cousin as if to say, "Rise and Shine Riz, we have a long day ahead." Groggy, I got up, took a bath, got dressed. I was to wait for another phone call from the same cousin, a signal that she’s on her way out to pick me up. I still had several more minutes left, so I got my Bible out and hoped to hear something from Him to set my day ahead.

And there, halfway through a passage in James, I fell asleep. Hehe.

Anyway, as the phone rang once again, I woke up, my Bible still in my hands. Knowing full well He’s been watching, I gave God a sheepish smile, and whispered, “Oops. Sorry po. Hehe.” Anyway, I had a quick prayer and promised Him that I’m going to spend my whole day as if it was my Quiet Time. I asked Him to spend the day with me, and speak to me in whatever way He wills.

He did. :)

He’s Everywhere.
Lord it was You who created the heavens,
Lord it was Your hands that put the stars in their place.
Lord it was Your voice that commands the mornings
Even oceans and the seas bow at Your feet...

It wasn’t too hot, it wasn’t too rainy either. All six of us sat comfortably in my Ninong’s Land Cruiser, enjoying each other’s company. There were drizzles of rain once in a while, but every time we make a stop, the clouds will just brighten up as if on cue. And I knew it was God smiling down on us as sunrays touch our cheeks. I have seen the Taal Volcano many times before (what with all those postcards displayed at National Bookstore!), yet, cliché as it may sound, it seems to exude such beauty as if I haven’t seen it before. Like a lover courting his loved one, God was wooing us once again through His creation.

Lord who am I compared to Your glory,
Lord who am I compared to Your majesty?

I was overwhelmed I started to cry inside. What have we to experience such wonderful gifts from You, Lord? What good have we done that You allow us to experience all these things? It’s bad enough that most of us fail to appreciate Your blessings, it’s even more agonizing to know how stubborn You are, loving us still in spite of our unworthiness.

I’m Your beloved, Your creation, and You loved me as I am...
You have called me chosen for Your Kingdom,
Unashamed to call me Your own...

Today, He answered my prayer. I asked Him to spend the day with me, and He was right there the whole time – in His creations, in our conversations, in the warm fuzzy feeling brought about by the beauty of His love. And for me, that's in spite of falling asleep over my Quiet Time (hehe).

Tomorrow, I know He’ll continue fulfilling His promises, and answering prayers. And days will go on and on, and He will keep on overwhelming us with His blessings.. if ony we open our eyes to see their beauty.

Trully, we are His beloved. And His creation, and our happiness, are just few of His million proofs. c",)

Prayer Request.
Opportunity to go to Australia next year (sometime July) and join the annual Hillsongs week-long Praise & Worship Training. Please pray with me. :) Wah, Lord, I want this. :)

Riz Blabbered @ 4:06:00 AM.

Outbursts. Exactly One Month After.
I am two papers (with only minor revisions to them), and a class presentation away from semestral break. I’m taking my time, not rushing through the remaining paperwork, since all of them are due in a considerably long period of a week anyway. Last week was the finale of my five-theses-worth-subject, culminating with a big college event (exhibit/colloquium thing) last Friday which our whole class got through with in flying colors (Thank you Lord!) Days passed by in a blur, and now, I can finally say that I’m getting enough hours of sleep each day.

You are forever in my life, You see me through the season
Cover me with Your hand, and lead me in Your righteousness..

Grace. That’s one word to sum up how I got through it all. I have to admit, during the past days (ohh.. those hiatus days, yeaaah..), I have gone through a roller coaster ride of depression, stress, self-pity, nervous breakdown, relief, and depression over again. Several times I have asked God questions that start with “why”, most of them unanswered until now. Many times I have thought of giving up, dropping all my subjects, and just disappear to nothingness. Sometimes, I have wakened up to the sound of my doubts and fears that seemed to follow me even in my dreams. At certain times I cried for help, only to find Him silent, making me feel as if I’m alone.

But there He goes again, following me around when I should be the one following Him, waiting for me to fall back into His kung-fu tight embrace. So ok, I have to admit, for a while there I had little faith. But His faithfulness is more than enough to sustain me, to see me through. I asked Him to take me out of the situation I was in, but instead of pulling me out of it, He went right there and accompanied me all through out. The prayers, which I thought were unanswered, were actually answered, not the way I wanted them, but the way He wanted.. to teach me a lesson, and perhaps, for a more dramatic conclusion – to have him glorified even more.

And I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me..

Incidentally, the Praise and Worship Night at our church two Sundays ago was just perfect to end my days of “hiatus”. Come to think of it, my hiatus days were not only here on this site but in real life as well. I feel as if for a while there, I was compelled to get away to a place where I have to face the things that are expected of me, where there was no time to find other ways of release.

But there, during the Praise and Worship Night, on a dark corner of our worship hall, I found release. God gave me the answers to my seemingly “unanswered” questions. Some answers were just what I needed to hear. Yet, some were beyond my understanding and for sure, were meant for me to simply wait and trust Him for.

And just like last year, the night marked another momentous event in the history of our church. He is just so amazing, don’t you think? So wonderfully amazing that you just can’t help but burst out with joy and praise (which, by the way, what inspired this new layout of mine, hehe). It was indeed, a mountaintop experience, I’m sure not only for me, but for many others as well.

I’m carried in everlasting arms, You’ll never let me go.. Through it all..

In those times I thought I was alone, in those moments I almost gave up, through all those prayers I thought were unanswered, God simply whispered to my ears, “Riz, I was there all along..” With such stubborn love and devotion from Him, what else can I do but cry and say, "You'll really do everything to win us back huh? Thank you Lord, suko na po.."

Now, I'm back down from the mountaintop experience.. but here I still am -- walking, singing, and humming to His music.

As for this site, well, I'm back. c",)

Riz Blabbered @ 10:56:00 AM.