Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

Three years ago, at exactly 7:49pm, I blogged this.

"testing."

Haha. Promise. There goes my first ever blog. ;)

Mushiness has always been the theme of most of my posts.
Today, I'll spare you the drama. I'll make it simple.

Ehem, testing. :)
Bluedfiles is thweee years old!! Yey!Ü

Big cyberhugs to all of you who, through your tags and comments, have kept this site alive. And of course, to Daydreemz.Com, my host for almost two years.

Errk. I'll spare you the drama nga eh. So there. c",)

Riz Blabbered @ 11:44:00 PM.

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First of all, I have a new addiction. ;)

Secondly, Ate Jam celebrated her first blog birthday. (Happy blogday again Ate Jam!) On Friday, August 27, it will be my turn. Bluedfiles is turning thweee years old! Yehey. (This, by the way, marks my 80th blog.. not counting the numerous blogs I made on my old blog which is hidden somewhere in the dark alleys of blogger.)

Moving on, today, I have things to rant. And for a more organized rambling, let me enumerate. (Kailangan ba talagang i-organize ang ramblings?? Hehe)

Five Questions I Want Answered Right Away.
1. What’s the best cure for singaw? Is salt really effective?
2. If you don’t know what you’re good at, does that make you a mediocre?
3. Where do ants go when there’s flood?
4. Why does oversleeping make a person more tired?
5. And again, I ask, when it comes to finding the right person to love, would he be someone who’ll fit all your standards, or will he be someone you’ll just grow to love inspite not having the qualities you want?

Short-term Wishlist.
1. To finish chapter four of my thesis proposal (and revise the first three chapters) way before the Monday deadline.
2. A relatively cheap but nice acoustic guitar.
3. An MP3 of Aiza Siguerra’s version of How Did You Know.
4. To watch Cinderella Story and Princess Diaries (I’m still allowed to be juvenile, am I not? After all, I am still one, hehe.)
5. Shopping (can’t wait na Ate Normi!! Tutuban, here we come!).
6. A nice pair of sandals (ako naman Ate Jam!); & white sneakers.
7. New girbaud wallet.
8. Cellphone overhaul. I wanted a new camera-phone. But after hearing that two of my friends got held up in the past week, I suddenly became contented with my good 2 year-old 8210. I just wish for some fixin, is all. (Calling on my brothers.)
9. Manicure and pedicure. My finger and toenails are screaming for some pampering.
10. Time. I want time.

There.. I’m limiting it to ten items para mas feasible.

Finally, on a more serious tone…

Ten Things I Learned in The Past 24 Hours.
1. Sleeping for 12 hours straight after a whole week of sleepless nights results to headache and depression, as if you’re more drained than you were before you slept. I haven’t quite figured out how’s the best way to cope up with such phenomena.
2. Sometimes, if only to unwind, recollect yourself, and breathe before taking another plunge into a yet another mind-draining, torturous week, it’s ok to miss a class. c”,)
3. Cockroaches are sensitive to light, they only come out at night.
4. Hiding away from your fears will not make them go away.
5. Running away from your past will not make it/him go away too. Instead, occasional conversations with your past is a healthy way to reflect and understand why you are the way you are.
6. No matter how horrible your past is, and how hardheaded you are, it doesn’t matter with God. With Him, every ugly memory, every stubbornness, is turned into something beautiful in His time.
7. Ice cream is not junkfood. While some kids (and adults) think that it is, ice cream is actually a good and healthy alternate for milk, given the right amount (one of my findings in my Quantitative Research on Children’s Concepts of Food and Nutrition. Yuck, I’m turning into a geekoid.)
8. Thanks to Bijoi, I learned from her own reflections that… *bleep* (Censored. Sa mga close kong tao, refer to my tabula. Haha.)
9. I realized that the world is full of monotony. Relationships, jobs (or the lack of it thereof), school works, deadlines, schedules… all are routinary things you have to go through every single day. There will always come a time when you’ll get tired of them. Now in the verge of retiring, I learned that once in a while, it’s ok to detach yourself from your schedule, do the things you love doing, and be reminded of what God’s purpose is for you in this world. And as He refuels your batteries, you’ll realize you have so much reasons to go on.
10. Finally, in whatever situation you’re in, there will always be more lessons to learn.

Funny, after all the ramblings, everything really boils down to one thing. That no matter how shallow your thoughts are, no matter how vain you can be in your wishlist, no matter how many questions you have.. everything goes back to Him and what He’s teaching you. I can just imagine God telling me now, “Nak, relax ka lang, I have everything under control. Sobrang mahal kita, at kung kailangan kitang batukan, paiyakin, at i-drain to prove that, I'll do whatever.”

Ok. Opo, Lord. Sabi niyo eh. I trust. I believe.

I’m reminded again of the book, Moments for Singles, and this prayer I copied from it (which is now pasted up front my date book).

“Lord, as I make my list and set my schedule, keep me mindful of the fact that every moment is yours. You have the right to shaken up my day in whatever seems right to you. There will always be budgets and meetings, presentations and deadlines.. But when time is no more, it will only be You, and Yours..”

Today, this is my prayer. I hope this becomes your prayer too.

Riz Blabbered @ 5:20:00 PM.

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Mediocre.
Something got me thinking. As I have posted a few days back, I really can’t see myself excelling in anything. And because I don’t see myself being an expert at anything, I feel like I’m some sort of a mediocre, an average ordinary girl just trying to survive a day at a time, hoping to get on with life. So.. what do you think? Just because I’m a self-professed jack-of-all-trades (ok, ok.. jack-of-some-trades, hehe), does that make me a mediocre as well? Haay. I’ll deal with this later. Hehe.

On the lighter side of things..

This morning, I woke up with the sound of the drizzling rain like music to my ears. And what better thought there could be than realizing I don’t have a class to go to, and I could curl under my blanket some more and spend a few more hours on my bed..

And now.. some leisure time on the net. Sigh. There are just too many simple joys this life has to offer. Don’t you think? c",)

Simply Joys of Life Part Two.
This is the life, pare. :)

Thinking you just had the worst Monday of your life, only to be amazed by life’s sweet surprises by the end of the day, making you forget about your ugly eyebags and pimples, and nightmare class-presentations. Sweetness!

Receiving a bouquet of scented pink paper roses with a purple rag buttefly to match... and splurging on a 500 peso worth of food at Chocolate Kiss with the bestest friend in the world. Isn’t she the sweetest??

Spending an “unplanned” gimik night with pinoysaints people on a supposedly hectic schoolweek.. and getting a short ride with a rockstar, and a doctor, later in the night. Feeling ko supermodel ako. Haha. ;)

Going home, seeing your brother sleeping face flat on the living room sofa (oviously tired from work), waking him up to announce your arrival, getting a quick hug and a “hi bunsuy, musta araw mo?” and blabbering about how your day went to an unconscious-half-asleep audience. And then, even though you know he slept halfway through your rants, you realize what a unique and weirdly sweet brother you have. c",)

Being in panic mode for a deadline coming up, yet having so much peace within.

Indulging on Ice Craze (of Jollibee, the makers of the killer spaghetti and banana caramel pocket pie) – a way cheaper but close imitation of Ice Monster, hehe; and a can of Pringles, on a dull Wednesday afternoon.

Non-stop hillsongs music. Mall-wide sales. Starbucks coffee frap. Strawberry candy sprinkles. Blue curtains. Pink pillows. White cap. Text messages and missed calls. Twinkle twinkle little stars. Makulit na friends. Friends who are a phone call away. Friends who are annoying (they improve your patience, hehe). Chat sessions with cousins on the other side of the planet. Pirated DVDs (oops, hehe). Midnight snacks (Ika nga ni Bijoi, pag tanda nya raw, she probably would say something like this to her kids, “anak, gising na.. magmimidnight snack na tayo..” hehe. Cool!). Nights when you have an excuse to dress up. Comfortable sneakers. Faded jeans. Blogger friends.

And.. yes, again, realizing you have so much joys in life that you can take Him for, a whole afternoon of blogging won’t be enough.

Haay. Sometimes, because of the hassles thrown at us, we fail to see these lovely gifts right in front of our discontented and blinded eyes. I say, it’s about time to rub the blindness away and be simply thankful.

I'm blabbering. I'm stopping na.

O siya. Aral na ulit. ;)

Riz Blabbered @ 5:39:00 PM.

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No, not stalling.. at least I don't like to think so. Let's just say.. I'm sort-of taking a breather. ;)

Sometimes, the more pressured I am, the more I find the need to blog. I guess for those who are longtime bloggers such as I am, you know exactly what I mean. See? I’m blogging a frequent lot lately. Go figure how pressured I am. Hehe.

Sunday Breather.
I have two papers due tomorrow. One is an audience analysis for an IEC (Information-Education-Communication) Campaign on Reproductive Health (a special topics course in research); and the other is the Study Framework of my undergrad thesis proposal. I had the audience analysis done by this morning (yey!), and now, I’m more than halfway through the study framework. Let’s just say, since I’m anticipating another sleepless night of cramming anyway, I’m having one of those breathers again now. ;)

I didn’t go to church today. Now that’s a first for me in the past 10 years or so. I never missed a day in church, you know, being a professed pastor’s kid (ohh the perks of being one, hehe). This morning though, when I woke up, everybody had gone to church already. According to my mom, they couldn’t wake me up daw. I bet nasungitan ko na naman sila (unconsciously of course, hehe) while they were trying to pull me out of my bed.

Oh well. I missed a day in church. But then, God allowed me to experience a worship service in the confines of my room. Nothing really beats moments of solitude with God.. Moments when time seems to stand still, when every problem and worry (term papers more specifically) becomes seemingly non-existent, and for an eternal moment, He is the only one that matters, He becomes your world. Today this song kept on playing on my head.

And everything I have I give to you oh Lord
The one I live for, I just want You
And all my day’s a gift from you
I pray I use them as you want me to
I’ll use them for You…

You are my world, You are my God
And I lay down my life for You
You are my Lord, the one I love
No one could ever take Your place..

I know I’ve said this already sometime before, but again, it’s good that when you’re overwhelmed with joy, there are songs such as this that could express your utmost praise. I’m thankful He loves me the way He does. I’m glad that in the midst of a chaotic and cynical world, I have Him. I hope my new friend wanders by and reads this. Hehe.

Withering Flowers.
The bouquet of flowers that’s still remained untouched beside the computer table had started drying up. Soon enough, it will be just one of those dried flowers of the past, set aside, later thrown away, but will always stay unforgotten. And so will he.. I never meant to hurt, to ignore. But some things should be kept as they are, and be accepted for all they’re worth. If anything else, the flowers were greatly appreciated, and will always have a place in my sincere thoughts. Thank you, friend.

When the Past Comes Knocking Back.
Yesterday, I found myself face to face with my past. He called, the guy who filled my immaturish, puppylove-struck, 15-year-old thoughts. That was a first time (that he called), in the past two years, I guess. And it’s just amazing how we’re able to talk about the past and how immature we had been. He’s got a girlfriend now, but then again, yuck, who could ever forget the silliness that we once were? ;)

I’m glad those silly and immature days were over. I’m not saying I’m mature now, coz heck, to a large extent, I know I’m not. Sometimes, I wish to turn back time, erase parts of my life, and start anew. But then, I get to think about the things I learned, and how God made those ugly things beautiful again.. and I knew that I wouldn’t be who I am now without them.

Haaay nako.

Sometimes, when you come to imagine how you want to spend the rest of your life, and who you dream to spend it with, you end up wishing you can just breeze right through it and fast forward time to several years ahead. Here go those thoughts again. Tsk, tsk.

Yep, it’s a long way to go. And before that happens, I have to get these papers out of the way first. Hehe.

Good night world. Good night whoever you are He wills for me, wherever you are.. I’m looking forward to spending sleepless nights such as this, with you.

As for me, as for now, the night has just begun. c”,)

Riz Blabbered @ 1:54:00 AM.

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Plugs.
I started a Photoblog, inspired by her.
She finally decided to have a blog of her own.
These people never fail to make me smile.
Thanks for the comments, guys. c",)

Enough Study Break.
After my group thesis defense last week (Tuesday), I had quite a long break from all the deadlines. Wednesday, I spent the whole afternoon hanging out with my church friends at a house in Marikina; Thursday, I slept the whole morning off, and had an instant bonding session with Ate Jam, Kuya Iking and Kuya Gunns late in the afternoon (some quality time among the rockstars and their two fans, hehe); Friday, I hibernated the whole morning again, attended SVCF’s Applicant’s Big Fellowship in the afternoon, and had a date with my brother later in the evening; Saturday night, I went to my friend’s debut at Fernwood; and finally, on Sunday, spent the whole day in church.

In all these days, I put aside the research papers, and the deadlines. I didn’t want to think of them just yet. Today, though, panic mode officially starts. Realization sinks in. I have two papers due on Monday, and another big one a week after that… and I haven’t started a thing at all.

Man, enough study break.

Stalling.
Sometimes, I feel like I have some kind of psychological disorder. Whenever I know I have major things to do that need to be started off, I find myself going through a semi-unconscious route of stalling – I play Solitaire, I go online, I read some book that has got nothing to do with my research topics, I eat junkfood, I spend an enormous time over the phone, I watch DVD – I’d do anything to distract myself from doing what I should be doing. And no matter how I try to concentrate, I’d just end up staring at a blank page of a Microsoft Word document, helpless, and much later, closing up the Word document window and clicking on the Spider Solitaire icon (or the Internet Service Provider) on my desktop.

Like right now for example. I have to do some stuff, I know. But here I am.. stalling. Man! It’s seriously upsetting me already. I’m screaming inside, begging for some ounce of diligence in my system. Is there some kind of medicine that somewhat injects hormonal stuff that motivates the brain to be focused? I badly need some.

Arrrgh! I’m serious na. I’d just get this blog over and done with so I can try to be focused again starting tomorrow. Hehe. Inhale, Exhale.

Mushy Thoughts.
On the lighter side of things, (ehem, I suppose that would be enough transition, hehe), I have senti MP3s playing right now. To Be Near You. Dream of Me. Come Away with Me. You’re my You. Moonlight Over Paris. Name one senti song, I probably have it. So there, I’m kind of intoxicating myself with these music.. along with my own senti thoughts.

Anyway, it has been a long time since I last received a bouquet of flowers. Last Friday, someone gave me a bunch, and it’s sitting right beside my computer monitor at the moment, still surprisingly as fresh and alive as it had been when it was given to me. It was lovely.. well, it still is. And I have my good friend to thank that for.

Now there’s something with the sight of the flowers, the senti background music, the sound of the drizzling rain, the dramatic effect of the wind on my light blue window curtains, and the yellow-orangeish glow of my bedside lamp, that made me want to blog something mushy even when I really can’t think of anything to start with. Diane blogged something like this once, “the mood is there but the heart and mind aren’t” or something to that effect.

In my case though, the mood is there.. the mind is, and probably the heart too. But then, there’s just no one to be mushy over right now. There are some prospective choices around, you know, but then, I still haven’t really felt the za-za-zooo, just yet. There still ain’t enough butterflies to fly me to the clouds, to sweep me off my feet. I know it can wait, yes, but then again, I just can't help but have these thoughts cross my mind once in a while. Just once in a while. ;)

Which made me think.. when it comes to finding the right person to love, will God’s will be someone that will fit your standards, or will he be someone that you’ll just learn to love, despite not having the qualities that you’ve always dreamed of?

Arrg. Maybe I should have written this in my Tabulas account. Oh well. Hay, tama na nga. Enough mushy thoughts for now. Tomorrow is another day.

Good night world! c",)

Mushy mode off. Again.

Riz Blabbered @ 1:04:00 AM.

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Two Down, Three To Go.
I remember blogging something about this major subject I’ve got where we have to pass five baby theses, with a leeway of three weeks in between each submission, within the semester. Isn’t that fun?? While people attempt to squeeze in one thesis in one semester, we, meanwhile, have to jam five theses within three weeks each. (Uh, why am I taking this course again?ü)

Anyway, we just finished defending one thesis tonight. My record of 40 sleepless hours last Sunday-Monday, and another 20 hours today, paid off real well. I am so excited to sleep. But well, yeah, after I blog first. Hehe.

There Can Be Miracles, uh, ok, When You Believe.
Late this afternoon, as I nervously waited for our group’s turn to defend our paper, I scribbled a prayer in my notebook. Yeah, well, I know God would have still answered my prayer even if I didn’t write it down. But then, I guess I just thought that seeing it in paper would calm my nerves a bit. I'm typing it down for record's sake. ;)

Lord, I know it’s far from possible but can I ask you one tiny favor? Will you please make a miracle out of this situation by making our paper sound sensible even if it’s really problematic and has too many holes in it? Please?

Well guess what? There is a God! Er, haha, yeah, of course there is. I meant, the God of miracles answered the prayers of this paranoid and nervous-wreck researcher wannabee in me. Until now, I can’t stop smiling. :)

Man, I’m too drained for details right now. The adrenalin rush a few hours ago somehow exhausted the powers out of me. Hehe. Well at least now, I could finally sleep and reacharge my batteries.

Deadlines.
Take a look at my deadlines for the remaining weeks of the semester. Think that whenever you see the word “paper” or IEC (Information-Education-Communication), it means full-blown thesis.

Aug9 - ComRes 197, Audience & Situation Analyses for IEC
Aug19 - ComRes 199, Study Framework for Undergrad Thesis
Aug23 - ComRes 165, Individual Qualitative Paper
Aug23 - ComRes 199, Research Design, Tools and Instruments
Aug24 - ComRes 165, Critique/Defense of Quali Paper
Sept6 - ComRes 165, Individual Quantitative Paper
Sept6 - ComRes 197, Objectives and Message for IEC
Sept7 - ComRes 165, Critique/Defense of Quanti Paper
Sept13 - ComRes 199, Critique of Thesis Proposal
Sept20 - ComRes 199, Defense/Presentation of Thesis Proposal
Sept27 - ComRes 165, Third Group Quali-Quanti Paper
Sept28 - ComRes 165, Defense/Presentation of Quali-Quanti Paper
Oct11 - ComRes 197, Presentation of IEC Plans

Whoa.. uh, that complicated? I didn’t realize until now that I have at least one deadline every week! I guess I’ll be praying for more miracles in the coming weeks.

But hey, at least I can be assured that my God, our God, is an expert when it comes to miracles.

And there’s no reason not to believe.ü

Riz Blabbered @ 10:35:00 PM.

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