Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

So I Wait.
Sometimes, when you come to imagine how you want to spend the rest of your life, you end up wishing you can just breeze right through it and fast forward time to several years ahead. However, while you feel excited at the thought, you know it can't be, and that you still have to go through all these days, months, years..

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I was filing for an authenticated form of my birth certificate this afternoon, needed in applying for an SSS, which is required for my employment. Yepyep, starting tomorrow, i'll be a trainee at this call center at EastWood, Libis (i'll check what time my free hours would be, so you could come visit. hehe). Two weeks from now, i'll be a working girl. (im no bum nomore. yeaah!)

Anyway, as i was saying, i was filing for a BC authentication at our Municipal Hall, and it was, expectedly, a long, torturous process of falling in line and filling out forms, with strangers all around who seem to keep on staring right at you. I stood there, for two long hours, trying to read Catcher In The Rye for the nth time (it was the only book lying 'round the room, and i didnt have time to choose which book to bring), glad that it wasn't too sunny, and the breeze was cool enough. Once in a while, i would shut the book close, and try to think of something else instead, events of the past month rushing through my mind. The joy, the laughter, the dreams, the obstacles, u-turns and detours, struggles, and tears. It was, let's say.. uh, bittersweet. Yes, that's the word.

And there, somewhere in the middle of all the noise, the complaining people, and the annoying voice of the old woman announcing names and instructions, i held my book aside, and stared on the ground. Then i imagined i was having this conversation with God..

      "So hey, Lord, what do i do next?"
      "Patience, Riz. Wait on me.."
      "I know that Lord, but sometimes, it's just too hard.."
      "When you have joy in your heart, nothing seems to be too hard. Are you contented with what you have now, Riz?"
      (silence)
      "Are you happy?"
      (silence)
      "Are you, my child?"
      "..I am, Lord."
      "Liar. I can see your heart, Riz. I know what's in it.."
      "I'm sorry Lord, i really am.. Tell me what to do, Lord, please.. Help me."
      "Let go, trust me, find your happiness in me instead, and everything else will follow. The waiting may be hard, the journey torturous, but it's going to be worth it, I promise."
      "..Ok Lord, I trust you.."
      (silence)
      "Lord?"
      "Yes, Riz?"
      "Thank you."
      "Anytime Riz, anytime.."

* * *

I didnt get my Birth Certificate authenticated, after all. The office was closing at 5pm. I was still far from the start of the line. We were advised to come back tomorrow. It was ok, really. For some reasons, i never felt even the least frustrated at all. I never even thought my two hours was wasted. I'd come back and fall in line all over again, if need be. I may not get what i came for, but i know i will in His perfect time.

Patience Riz, wait on me..

Maybe, i didn't just imagine that conversation. Maybe, it really did happen.

Riz Blabbered @ 4:07:00 PM.

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this is the third time i'm gona type this. arrrg. *inhale,exhale*

* * *

someone recently said something like, there will always be those times in our lives when we play along the boundary "between the immature and the not-so-immature". (yes, you! you know who you are.) ok, ok.. right now, i'm on the former's side, if that's what you mean. ;)

confessions.
i have several confessions to make.

one. i didn't bother watching The TwinTwo Towers (LOTR) last year because i sorta judged that i'd have the same experience as with the first one (The Fellowship of the Ring). you see, while most people saw the movie twice, thrice, many times over, i, on the other hand, fell asleep halfway through it. it was fine, yes. but as of the moment, i'm still in the process of trying to recall which part i fell asleep over, and why i did so in the first place. i did fall inlove with Legolas, though. as a matter of fact, that's the only thing i could comment on whenever people around me would talk about LOTR that time.. "ay, oo, grabe, ang pogi ni Legolas!" hehe.

and yeah, haha, i bought for myself one of those LOTR tumblers from Jollibee yesterday. the Legolas one, of course. yipee.

anyway, i'm planning to see ROTK soon (see that, im obsolete!), and hope that i'd have a better experience this time around. i'm thinking of watching The Two Towers on VCD (anyone who has a copy?) so i wouldnt feel lost, at least. or then again, do you think i'd enjoy ROTK even without part two?

two. i like Matrix more than LOTR.

three. i have another new blog. don't ask me why, don't ask me where.

four. my heart is fluttering like crazy. uh, yes, because of someone. don't ask.

five. i'm coming back to the heart of worship.

many times over, He has proven to be the stubborn God that He is, always getting back what He owns. you get lost, He looks out for you. you try to hide away from him, He finds you. you run away from Him, He runs after you. you let go of His hand, He tightens His grip around yours. and just when you're about to plummet into the ground, tired from all the running and hiding away, He's right there, with His arms open wide, waiting for you to fall back into His embrace. amazing.

back home. yup, that's where i'm going.

six. i'm going to miss being a bum. (finally!). after months of waiting, i got the call i've been waiting for. while i'm so excited to start working already, my heart just won't stop crying inside, because i know, that i dont deserve such blessing, such perfect timing, from Him. but hey, ok, i won't make a big drama out of it here na. just celebrate with me.. :)

at long last, i can finally shout these three words i've been wanting to say for quite some time now (ate jang, scream with me!): BUMS. NO. MORE.

BUMS NO MORE!! oh yeah.

[Ed.] haha! some tolkien freaks you guys are, you didnt even notice i typed Twin Towers, and not Two Towers!! Thanks for noticing, budj! (ano ba, kung sino pa yung engineer!! ha, ha.)

Riz Blabbered @ 12:10:00 AM.

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finally, i update.
the Christmas layout is gone. i'm back to bummin around again, but just for the meantime. after i got through my rakets, i prolly gona make myself a new layout. watch out for it. ;) (by the way, i'm still a bum. that call center company which accepted my application, hasn't called yet for my training schedule. arrg. what's keeping them so long??)

our PC is deteriorating. and so is my internet addiction. i guess it does help that our computer is on a haywire (or what was it, spyware?), that i have no choice but keep my hands away from it or it'll end up on the ground, crashed to pieces (nang dahil sa gigil). man, if only i have enough dough to splurge on a new PC.. or at least, faster/better components. oh well.

on january 22.
..i'll be celebrating my first birthday here at daydreemz dot com. it's been a year since rawles adopted me to this family. i never really expected that someone would be nice enough to host an amateur-webdesigner-wannabe a space in this world wide web. i still remember my layout then.. uh, pathetic! but she still gave me a chance. so thanks, rawles. much gratitude to you, always. august 27 (of last year), by the way, marked my 2nd year of being a blogger. of course, my past life is hidden somewhere in the dark shadows of blogspot, which i dare not broadcast anymore. harhar. now, everybody seems to be into this blogging thing, which is really great. it's impressive that our generation now, is so into voicing out their thoughts publicly, knowing that somewhere across the world, someone's life would be touched, in one way or another.

uhm, where was i? oh yeah.. greet me on the 22nd. i'm gona paaaarteeeh! c",)

* * *

the great pretender.
someone once told me i am the great pretender. i didn't want to accept the thought that time. yet, somehow, i feel that the phrase does describe how i am right now. they think i'm ok, but i'm not. they think i'm all smiles, but deep inside i cry. they think i'm all happy, but deep inside i feel so empty.

i'm lost. but i know that soon, i'll have to find my way back home.. again.

Riz Blabbered @ 11:42:00 AM.

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a day of firsts.
on this first day of the year, I woke up around noon, tired from spending New Year's eve with my cousins. I had my first breakfast of hotdog and eggs (actually, it was more of brunch), had my first phonecall for the year with one of my high school friends, and now, my first blog. And, and.. come to think of it, the day was really just one of the ordinary. There was nothing much new except the fact that I know it’s gona be another year again to look forward to, another whole new story that’s about to begin. Let's just say that I’m a bit excited because I know God has so much in store for me. And yet, somehow, I cant help but have this certain fear deep within for reasons I cant quite explain.

But hey, that's normal for a first day, right?

doctor on call.
I'm typing this in Doc Ric's room. For those who doesn't know, he's my cousin. He just left for the Marshall Islands to practice medicine there, a career move he had to make. I’m blogging this because for one, I know he'd be reading my blog when he gets there (hehe). For another, I sure will miss him. (totoo doc!)

Which makes me think.. am i ready for such a big move? I mean, ok, Kuya Ric is like, more than a decade older than i am (hehe). But i know of some people, young as they were, compelled to fly to some strange place and start a whole new different life there. Now if God does call you do such such thing, i'm sure it's gona be one difficult decision to make, leaving the lifestyle you've had all your life, and all those people you've grown up with, to a place unknown.

hmm... tough.

ha, why torture myself thinking?? i guess i'll just cross the bridge when i get there. c",)

Happy New Year Everyone!

Riz Blabbered @ 5:55:00 PM.

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