Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

The Week That Was.
I’ve wanted to do this. I’ve been wanting to blog for days. But with every attempt, I’ve found myself in front of a blank screen, staring at a blinking cursor, unable to put my thoughts into a coherent set of words.

You can just imagine how hard I’m trying right now.

I have so much stories to tell, but there they are -- undocumented, preserved in blank spaces, etched in my mind, stamped in my heart, yet estimated to later drift away, if not to the unforgotten, to at least a blurred past. Sigh. It would have been nice to read through them someday.

I should have blogged something about our photosession with Ganns two Saturdays ago, about finally meeting Mikks, and how excited I am for LiveTheLife Mag. I should have blogged about my Kitchie Nadal CD story. Or about going to the book launch of This Is My Story with Ivy and Jen. Those Starbucks sessions with my friends. My thesis which I haven’t started doing yet. SV’s first BigF this semester. That interview with an economics professor I was paid to do. Those conversations with Ate Jam in all the weird places (hehe, kahit saan abutan, right ate? *winks*). Bus rides with Bij, my new friend and pakner. Giving Ate Normi’s site a makeover.. and helping Doc Broks with his comeback layout. Streetdancing (for the first time in my whole life) with my JoyClub friends during one of our church’s afternoon fellowships. Reading the Da Vinci Code. Well, there are tons more but I would probably frustrate myself further if I continued listing them down.

So there. The past two weeks, summarized in one big messy paragraph. I wish I could figure out a way to blog at least some of them someday, like, soon.

You give it all for me, my soul desire my everything..
and all I am is devoted to You..

My Cry, My One Desire.
I have been reading my old journal entries a lot these days, thinking that God must have wanted me to review the things He taught me in the past and draw strength from them. Over and over God has made me realize that I haven’t really passed His tests of patience just yet. Because of my stubbornness, I have found myself walking around in circles on my own version of wilderness -- infested with impatience, self-interest and doubts. And He probably won’t take me out of this until He thinks I’m broken enough, torn to tiny pieces like grain, so He can mold me the way He wanted.

Sometime in the past months I wrote this prayer to God.

I’m tired of being too much affected, Lord. My heart is weak, hurting. Silence my heart Lord, take all the pain away so I can focus again on the things that matter most. Lord, sa inyo na lang po yung puso ko.. please Lord? Make me fall really in love with you so I won’t have any room in my heart for anyone else.. please?

Last night, I cried that prayer again.

I had so many questions.. came to a point where I even began to question the way He’s handling my life.. demanded explanations why I am where I am.. begged for Him to reveal to me how all these uncertainties are gonna end.

And then I remembered David and the ordeals he had to go through because of his own disobedience, so as to experience God’s grace. I remembered Job and how God allowed him to be put to horrible, unimaginably painful tests to prove his undying devotion to Him. I remembered Joseph and how his brothers despised him, how God sent him to a foreign land before his dreams were made real. I remembered Paul and Silas, how they were put to a dark and cold prison, chained to torture, so as to experience the kind of worship where nothing made sense except that God is simply worthy.

And then it hit me.. Who am I to question God? Who am I to demand for an explanation when I have experienced minimal pain in my life as compared to these men?

How could I fail to see, You are the love that rescued me..
and all I am is devoted to You..

God did it before, He’s doing it again. I have often asked if I am getting the right messages, if I’m hearing the right go-signals, if my heart is at right with Him. And then I have come to the point where I stopped asking what’s right, started thinking that it was a futile effort to know, and began trusting my gut feel instead. Apparently, while God greatly speaks to me through my emotions, He wants me, more than anything, to continue seeking, study His Word, and strive more to fully grasp what He’s doing in my life.

God has made me smile a lot in the past week. And I don’t disqualify the validity of the things that happened, and the truth that in all those days, God really did something. Thus, because of these wonderful things – count the laughter and tears, the excitement and simple joys, even the incomprehensible dealings – I am moved to strive even more, to do my utmost to make Him smile.

And oh, how could I not be moved, Lord here with You
So have your way in me..
Cause Lord there is just one thing that I will seek..

This is my cry, my one desire
Just to be where you are Lord now and forever
It's more than a song, my one desire
Is to be with you, is to be with you, Jesus..

My one cry. My one desire. To be where He is. To be where He wants me to be. To do what He wants me to do. To fall in love with Him more and more each day. To have my heart filled with thoughts of Him so that I won’t have any more room in it for anyone or anything else.

The one thing, The one thing I ask, Is to be with You..

Hear my prayer Lord, please hear my prayer.. for I won't stop until my desires align with Yours, until I get to that place where nothing else matters but being with You.

Riz Blabbered @ 8:05:00 PM.

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In my life, Lord, be glorified, be glorified.. In my life, Lord, be glorified.. be glorified, today. -- Kid’s Praise

Remembering Psalty.
Yesterday, when I was walking along the tree-lined avenues of our campus (hay, back to school!), I was reminded of this Kid’s Praise we always sang in Sunday Schools when we were kids. I loved this song. Back then, we sang this over and over, replacing the word “life” with words like, “home,” “church”, “school”. (In my home, Lord, be glorified.. and so on.)

I smiled. Feeling like a kid again, I amused myself by singing it in that manner. Later on, what I found really nice about it is that, you can replace the word “life” with anything you can think of. So I did.

In my thesis, Lord, be glorified..
In my friendships, Lord, be glorified..
In my gimiks, Lord, be glorified..
In my lovelife, Lord, be glorified..

Soon, I started replacing the whole phrase na, even though the words just don’t fit in the rhythm of the song anymore, hehe.

In my brothers’ lives, Lord, be glorified..
In cleaning my room, Lord, be glorified..
In dealing with annoying professors, Lord, be glorified..
Through boring classes, Lord, be glorified..

And well, you can just imagine the things, stupid ones included, I thought of. It was a good therapy, you should try that too. I was having one of those light moments with God, but at the same time, I knew that those simple childlike prayers were heard. Sarap ng feeling. :)

Second Sem Starts.
The start of the semester has always been one of my favorite times of the year. It’s like, everything goes back to zero, and we, students, are given another chance at aiming not to screw up the whole semester ahead.

This semester is my last (hopefully), and well, come to think of it, I have no choice but to do good this time, and do the things I failed to do in the past. Try not to cram. Attend all my classes. Take all the readings, quizzes, exams and requirements seriously. Listen to the lectures, take down notes. In short, be a good and responsible student, for a change (hehe). After all, I’ll be doing these for just five more months (again, hopefully).

I was reading my journal the other day, and was reminded how traumatic last year was for me. It was during these times (last week of October to the first few weeks of November) when I was struggling over taking a Leave Of Absence and all that stuff. I even said goodbye to this site (if you guys can remember) only to republish it again, hihi.

Last year, I posted this on my tabulas account (just an excerpt):

I had hoped I’d graduate soon. I had a great deal of plans for myself but right in the midst of it, God delayed my hopes and directed me here, now. I was easily depressed the past week, to tell the truth, expecting that I’d be able to finish school right on time. But little by little, God removed my depression and filled my thoughts with excitement for better opportunities to come. So here I am, looking forward to the next six months. And somehow, thanking God that it turned out this way.

Why yes, I need a break after all. Ha!

So there. My more than two weeks of roller coaster ride -- of drama, confusion, questions, tears, sleepless nights -- typed out in three paragraphs. But no one, not even myself, could ever express how it actually feels when you’re right there, standing before an intersection, choosing which way to go, eyes blurred with tears and all. While God, in His wisdom and mercy, sends out all the signboards and arrows He could give to lead us to the way we should go. Life-changing experience? Oh yes, definitely.

I’d be leaving the “student” status for a while and be a professional bum. But when I get back next semester, I’ll make it a point that I'll be someone they’ll be proud of.

Well, what can I say, God is completing something He has started in me. I’m honestly getting excited.

In my school, Lord, be glorified.. :)

Live the Life Magazine.
It’s real. It wasn’t a joke. I’m going to be featured with two other Christian bloggers in the first second issue (to be released on Feb 2005) of the soon-to-be launched Live The Life Magazine (read more about it here). Mikks, who recommended my site to Ganns (the owner of the mag), is the other guy to be featured (Thaaannkkksss Mikks!!). Can you feel me smiling now? :)

Ganns texted already. We’re having the photo shoot this coming Saturday. Mikks told me that Kat is going to be the other girl to be featured with us. Shucks, totoo talaga! Wow.

And then again, after all the excitement, I start to think, is my blogsite really worthy? Am I really worthy? There are tons of great Christian blogsites out there – writing, design and all. Yet, God gave me this opportunity. I guess I still find it unbelievable til now.

Sometimes, when I read the blogs I made in the past, I am surprised and amazed that I really did write them. Alam nyo yun? More often than not, my innermost thoughts are reflected in my blogs. Reading through them reminds me of how it felt the time I blogged it, and I’m sure you, bloggers, will all agree that the nostalgia that goes with it just feels good.

Three years into this blogworld, I know God has made my writings evolved big time. When I first started, my blogsite was in every way, a rambling machine haven. I ranted gibberish to a non-existent audience for my own release and pleasure. (Er, ok fine, it still is like this til now, most of the time. Haha.) Envious of other people’s designs, I learned HTML little by little, and made my own amateurish and crappy layouts. I created a world apart from my real life, hiding behind the “bluedfiles” façade. A lot has changed since then (Ehem, marami talagang nagbago.. simula nang nalaman ni Ate Jam ang blogsite ko. Hehe. Apir ate!), and I’m sure there’s still more room for improvement.

More importantly, there came a time when I refused to write about God. I feared persecution. Writing about Him is uncool, I’d think. It’s like, ano ba, sa totoong buhay, Christian-Christian na ko eh. Pdeng ibang identity naman sa blogsite? Hehe. Something like that.

But now, I just can’t help it. I have to write about Him. It is true, that when your heart is overwhelmed with such joy, you just won’t keep it to yourself. In one way or another, you’ll just burst out. God has that effect, don’t you think? :) And yes, Ate Jam is right, maybe, through our blogsites, we can really minister to others too.

I’ve been blogging a lot more in my tabula now than here. Hehe. Sorry. La lang. I’m taking Ate Normi’s advice na. I’ll try to update this more often. Let this be the start. :)

In my blog, Lord, be glorified.. ;)

Lastly, allow me to plug. Watch out for the first issue of Live the Life Magazine. Let’s support Ganns in this ministry. For His glory. :)

Riz Blabbered @ 5:05:00 PM.

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