Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

Just a Quickie.
One whole week without internet access. I have little time left here before Bourne Identity starts up on HBO but I didn't want not to blog for I might not have a chance to go online again til next week.

I have 15 days left before my resignation becomes effective. The countdown starts.

Consider Jesus.
It hit me again this morning at church -- God's amazing love, and that unspeakable peace you can have in His presence, unworthy as we are. It's always good to be in church, don't you think? Parang, you feel like you're in a sanctuary where every thorn is removed, every load is lifted out your back, and no bad forces can harm you. Na sometimes, when you feel like you just can't tell anyone that you're hurting inside, you know that the best remedy is to go to that place where you can just close your eyes and run back to Jesus' outstretched arms and you know, you just know, that everything will be alright.

We were singing "For This Cause" during Praise and Worship knina, and underneath my sunglasses, tears won't just stop to fall. I thought about how much I failed to make Him smile the past weeks, about my compromises, my disobediences, and I thought about how much He loves me inspite of.. And while we sang those lines, "All I want is, all I want is You, Jesus.." over and over again, I just lost it, and once again I was reminded that this is what life is all about. He is what life is all about. That I may experience happiness in so many things in life but beyond all the happiness this world can offer, is an unending joy that only He can give, a longing and thirst that only He can satisfy.

I didn't want the morning to end. I was scared to step out of the confines of my sanctuary and face all the temptations and trials of the world again. Sabi ko kay Lord, can I just stay here so I won't have to be tempted and tried out there anymore? But then, I felt His hand leading me gently out of the Worship Hall, out into the world once more, assuring me that I can have my sanctuary anywhere I go, in Him. He is, after all, my sanctuary.

Now there are two words He left me with today. When I feel like giving up, when I feel weak to my knees, when I have to make little choices in life, and when I just feel lost.. I should just remember these two words: Consider Jesus.

Consider Jesus. Consider Jesus. Consider Jesus. Fix my thoughts on Him and everything will be alright.

For the first time in my life, I was scared to leave the church.. but hey, I got myself out. For I know, I was reminded, that every battle I'm going to face, He has already won.. back there on the cross.

So thank you, Lord.

Riz Blabbered @ 8:25:00 PM.

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Resignation Sentiments.
Holy Week passed, and for a while there, I had a taste of summer. Our church had it's annual Family Camp (last Thursday to Saturday), at a resort in Laguna. I missed the camp's first day since I had to go to work, but it was still good enough.

There are just too much to do this summer but I feel like being held back because of work. Many times this week, I thought of resigning real soon.. like, tomorrow na, pede? (hehe) Anyway, I started typing out my resignation letter just a few minutes ago, and cheesy as it may sound, I actually feel kind of sentimental about this whole thing. I have to admit, many times I get tired of sitting at my work station, doing the same things over and over again every night, and wishing I was somewhere else instead. But everytime I get to think of the simple things that give me joy at work, I know they're all worth it..

Like this morning, I was sick with cough and fever. There were my team mates, Portia, Trish, and Rowena, checking me up every once in a while to see if I was getting any better. There was Tammy who offered me his jacket so that I'd feel warm, Lei, who offered to get me milk, and Mark who carried my stuff as we head down the building after the shift, and later texted me, "Ingat ikaw, pahinga k.." (aww.. ang mushy ko. sheesh). Man, I've only spent less than 3 months with these people, yet, I know, it would be hard to let them go. But yeah, life is like that eh? People come in and out of your life, sometimes staying just for a short period of time, leaving you with just a slight trace of their existence. And at the end of it, you know that in that little time, they have served their purpose in your life.

Right. I should save these sentiments later, huh. I'll be working at most, 30 more days, anyway.

Exposed.
I have been keeping a journal for as long as I can remember. All these years, my journal has been my crying grounds, the keeper of my deepest thoughts and secrets, my daily struggles and stuff I intend to keep between myself and God.

Well guess what? Somebody read my journal. Someone who shouldn't have read it in the first place. Someone I least expected to have his hands on it. And just with a blink, all the things I've gone through the past months were exposed, making it hard for me to trust anyone anymore.

What could be God's reason? I still can't quite figure out. But I'm sure, there is.

InLove.
Finally, this morning, luuuv came knocking on my heart again. I was watching ALIAS replays, and there he was, in his dark suit and serious smile, my ultimate crush, Michael Vartan. Have you seen him play hockey? Man, he is soooo *bleeep*. There. No words to describe him. Ang pogeee.

Anyway, the third season of Alias is going to be aired at Studio 23 starting tonight at 9pm. I'm dying to read all the Season 3 cheats here but as for the mean time, I can still control myself.

I guess that will be the highlight of my week for now. c",)

Riz Blabbered @ 5:37:00 PM.

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Plugs, Annoucements, and Greetings.
Before I get too sentimental, allow me to plug some stuff first.
:: Ate Jam, Budj, and Ate Dap, I have moved on.. (we all did, didn't we?) BluedWords is up and running again. Check it out. c",)
:: My Guestbook has a new layout, thanks to Blue-Swirl! Go flood it up! :)
:: It was her birthday last March 30. Go greet her! Happy birthday girl!
:: Their server is undergoing major changes. Ate Dap and Ate Stef moved.
:: Thanks much for the comments guys!


So there.

Stressed.
In church, we got a new catch phrase, courtesy of our dear friend, Hobbes. Last Sunday, during the worship service, he testified in the midst of the church congregation from out of the blue (he volunteered right there), starting his speech with something like, "Please bear with me. Everytime I don't say what's on my mind, nase-stress ako. Now, I have to speak up kasi po kung hindi, mase-stress po talaga ako.."

Since then, the word, stress, is our favorite word. It was widely used during our youth's PDL discussion group, and even after that.

"O, magsasalita daw si Hobbes ulit, nastress na naman yata siya eh."
"Talagang stress na stress ka ah! Kanina ka pa salita ng salita eh!"
"Ano ba.. tama na! Nalalabas mo nga stress mo, kami naman ang nase-stress sayo!"
"Pede ako naman maglabas ng stress?"

Uh, stuff like that.

I was talking with Hobbes right after the discussion group, and he seemed to be so.. uh, stress-free. He kept on telling me how good it feels to finally get out of his shell and voice his thoughts out. (He is our youth president yet he was always one of those silent types.) I'm really happy for him.

The thing is, now that I think about it, I envy Hobbes. How I wish I could be more open about how I feel, about my thoughts, and my fears. I wish I could just say out what's on my mind, without bothering much about what others might think of me. I guess that's one thing we, sanguines, have. While we are sometimes transparent about what we feel, most of the time we try to hide behind a cheerful mask to cover up what's keeping us down.

Why this blog? Go figure.

My song for the meantime. Yeah.. again. (Exerpt only)
Letting Go by Gary Valenciano.

Why be afraid, For God knows what you're feeling
But even He can't do a thing, If He sees the heart's not willing
And so we ask what's going on, We want what's right and still do wrong
When hard may seem the task, One step is all He asks of you..

Letting go to know the truth is not so hard to do
It's the heart that's got the will to open up for Him to fill
And trusting and believing Him is all we've got to do
It's just the heart that's got to move
For Him to show His love that's been there, Even when we never cared
Take hold of His hand.. Let go and you'll understand.

I guess by now you'd realize you can't be on your own
And all your cares, And all your burdens
Should be cast upon His throne
Letting go, Just let go, Letting go
Let go and you'll understand
Just let go and you'll understand...

Nuf said.

On a Lighter Note..
I decided not to end this blog that way. Hehe. Tomorrow night, i'll be sleeping over (after a possible swimming session in the afternoon) with my girlfriends from church -- Jen, Bijoi, Marian, Normi, Mae, and Ate Vi. Girl bonding thing, yanoe. Alas, something to be excited about. I'm sure it will again be a long monotonous night at work, but hey, God always gives us something to look forward to after it all. Man, I need the break. I can't wait. See Ya ladies! c",)

Riz Blabbered @ 5:34:00 PM.

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