Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

testing testing. im back.

yahoo conference with jen.
BUZZ!
nyeneks: :D
rhizanium: gota new layout! wee!
nyeneks: huh? ano ka ba?
nyeneks: kala ko ba busy ka?
rhizanium: haha! oo! busy ako!
nyeneks: haha. galing galing mo talaga!

i could hear her clapping. haha.

new Guiness-worthy records.
i had 2 new life records this weekend, i'm beginning to think i should be in the Guiness.

one. in the field of acads, i didnt sleep for 48 hours straight. and i only had 4 mugs of coffee. usually, at such a period, i would need about 10 mugs. or, i need at least an hour nap or something. but last friday (up to saturday), 4 mugs were all i had.

two. in webdesign, this is the freakiest record i've had. i made this layout for about an hour, and i wasn't even planning to make one. i mean, whoever in her right mind would think of making a layout in the middle of sleepless nights over piles of paperworks and video editting? only freaks would do that.

so ok, i am a freak, like my brothers would tell me. but it's just that.. ok, i was supposedly finishing up a project, and i thought, i needed a break. and this is the product of my freaky breaktime. i know i've got tons to do, but i need to do something I WANT TO DO for a change. hihi. so here.

just in case you're wondering.
im, little by little, finding my way to my real self again, thank God. and thank you to all of you guys who made it a bit bearable for me. thanks for the metaphysical cyber hugs, the prayers, and the words of comfort. i really appreciate it.

someone told me to cry it out. i did, several times. and just as she said, it really felt good. another friend also told me that i need to set aside my emotions for now.. especially that the semester's about to end, and requirements are piling up. which i did too. and again, i felt sooo much better.

the breathing space period was finally through. a new chapter has started. my responsibilities aren't over yet -- i still got so much to do. but at least now, i'll be facing all of these without a heavy excess baggage on my back.

Riz Blabbered @ 9:26:00 AM.

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semi-hiatus.
i'm in an internet cafe again. for the last time.
i made a resolution not to buy a prepaid internet account.
until when? i dont know. for a long time, that's for sure.

thanks nonie, keren, brokensaint, and ate daph.
i knew i was never alone.

so that's it. i'll be gone. right, as if people would care.
ugh, there goes the pessimism again.

meanwhile, i have a lot to deal with Him.
i have to get my life back to the way it was.
i have to face my responsiblities head on.
this is going to be a long month.

Riz Blabbered @ 11:23:00 AM.

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drowning.
i flunked one of my midterm exams. yup, that one i had sleepless nights studying for. my world felt like shattering to really tiny pieces when i got my blue book this morning. my life, again, is on a thin line. my hope now, lies on my second exam. call me insane but really, if that fails too, i might as well disappear.

sorry for the unedifying words but pessimism is seriously eating me up right now.

oh, and yeah. i'm almost broke. that rarely happens. and i don't know how it did but right now, i dont have enough dough to last me a week.

for the first time in a long while, i was in tears again.

get this picture: a while ago i was in front of our computer, trying to connect to the net. i needed to send our review of related literature to my groupmate, which is due a few hours from now. and as a warning blinked from the computer screen which indicated that i didnt have credits on my internet account anymore, tears just started dripping down my eyes.

until now, as i type this -- on a dimly lit internet cafe a few walks away from our house.

needless to say, i cried not because the freaking account ran off.

i never thought i've repressed that much tears.

i long for someone's comfort but there's none.

i long to be taken out of this pit where i am right now but i cant find my way out.

i long to get over all the responsibilities i accepted, ever-so-confidently, believing that i can handle them all by myself, only to realize that i cant.

and there i was, crying silently in the confines of my room, fearing that someone would see my weaknesses, my fears, my incapability to do what's expected of me.

there i was, scared of being alone again.

and later on, i knew, i'd find myself out into the once more, armed with a mask which covers up the tears, which seems to say that i'm just fine when deep inside i'm crying like a little kid, hoping to find her way home.

i know Lord, i got your point. i knew it right from the start.
the problem with me is, i've become too stubborn again.
it's not yet too late Lord, is it?

Riz Blabbered @ 1:46:00 PM.

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it's Friday once again.

Friday Group Therapy. i found this here.

1. Is there one piece of criticism that you have received or given out that sticks in your mind?
That I am too messy and absent-minded, and that it could cause me serious troubles someday.

2. What is your most unpleasant characteristic?
I get too emotional at times.. no, at ALL times.

3. What is your greatest fear?
To be a failure. To disappoint God.

4. What ambitions do you still have and plan to fulfill?
To grow old, sit on a rocking chair, watch my grand kids running around my garden (ok, stray cats around would be fine) with my also-grayish haired husband holding my hand, both of us still old-fashionedly in love.

5.What do you never leave home without?
My mobile phone. And my bag.

6. Who would you most like to meet (Dead or alive)? Why?
Jesus. I've always wanted to see that person who loves me so much He died for me.

7. What music would you like to have played at your funeral?
Let's be a bit Rico Yan-ish for now because i cant think of any yet. Warrior is a Child.

Riz Blabbered @ 11:47:00 PM.

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Rainy Days, Random Thoughts.
You know that mood when you want to blog something but for some reason, you just don’t feel like blogging in sensible paragraphs with sensibly related sentences? That’s how I feel right now.

It's raining again. Coolness.


Simple Joys of Life.

Waking up with the sound of the raindrops through your ears.

Oversleeping, and waking up thirty minutes after the start of your first class, and later learning that your professor was absent.

Curling under your blanket for a few more hours before you have to prepare for school, enjoying the coolness brought about by the rain.

Several missed calls and text messages on your mobile phone as you wake up.

Walking, under the trees, around an almost empty UP campus on a Wednesday.

Counting the hours before a friend you haven’t seen for quite some time, arrives from Bacolod.

Going through old pictures and journals and laughing your heart out over your senti-ness.

Hearing the words, "Your account balance is 300 pesos and zero centavos. Goodbye."

Yahoo! Conference with people you love.

A guitar with all its 6 strings intact.

Staring at Dory’s face plastered on your desktop wallpaper.

Hazel Nut or Mocha Frothe on a rainy afternoon.

Jollibee Banana Caramel with vanilla sundae.

Finding out that Kentucky Fried Chicken would soon be your neighbor.

Watching reruns of sappy movies after midnight.

Staring at a ceiling filled with glow-in-the-dark star stickers when you cant sleep.

Reading blogs of other people who got nothing better to do like you.

Reading blogs of other people who got so much to do but can’t stop blogging like you.

Blogging non-stop, even when you’re blabbering non-sense already.

Realizing that you have so much joys in life that you can thank Him for, a whole night of blogging won't be enough.

And, and..

Stop me please. Ha, ha.

plugs: trisha nonie mak nikz jam jen marky macy sarah brokensaint

Riz Blabbered @ 1:52:00 AM.

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I’m so blessed. Allow me to rant. Brace yourselves, this is going to be a long one.

Heart of Worship
    When the music fades, all is stripped away..
    and I simply come.
    Longing just to bring something that’s of worth
    that will bless Your heart
As jen blogged about, we had a really splendid time during the Praise and Worship Night in our church last Sunday and even until now, I still cant quite put to words how moved I was. Three praise and worship lineups, coupled with a few special numbers, and a very inspiring message on how God wants us to have a Heart of Worship, that night indeed made its mark down the history of our church.. and the lives of everyone who were there.

    I bring You more than a song for a song in itself
    is not what you have required
    You search much deeper within
    through the way things appear,
    You're looking into my heart...
“Aren’t you glad the Lord looks at the heart?”, our pastor kept on asking. And in my mind, I would answer his question the same way I believe everyone else would: Oo nga, buti na lang talaga God looks at the heart. But then, remorse would come afterwards.. is my heart pure enough to bring back to God what He deserves? I tell you what, there was not a portion in the program that I didn’t cry over. Every single question that I had in my mind the whole day, and even the days before that, were answered one-by-one. God never left a question unanswered, in fact He gave more than what I asked. And really, I can’t thank Him enough.

    I’m coming back to the heart of worship
    And its all about You, It’s all about You Jesus…
Amazing how in that song, ‘Heart of Worship’ (composed by Matt Redman), these two lovely words ‘Heart’ and ‘Worship’ were used. Needless to say, when we come to think of the heart, we would automatically think of love. And that, as our pastor said, is what worship is all about: Love. Loving God not out of fear, but in spite of the fears. Loving Him even when He seems distant. Loving Him in our weaknesses and imperfections. Loving Him in spite of pain. And when I came to think of all these, I realized that I haven’t been worshipping God enough.

    I’m sorry Lord for the things I’ve made it
    When it’s all about You, it’s all about You Jesus...
The whole experience has humbled me to claim once more that I am unworthy compared to what God has done for me. God has given me so much, and yet, all He’s asking of me is a Heart of Worship – heart undivided, one He rules and reigns. Worship is ALL about Jesus. It’s not about the music, the great voice, or as jen puts it, the art of worshipping. Worship is more than singing songs of praise to Him. Worship is a lifestyle. Something we should do every single day of our lives.

After all, He only deserves it ALL.

Heart of Worship ©1997 Kingsway’s Thankyou Music. click for the complete lyrics.

Riz Blabbered @ 12:20:00 AM.

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