Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done. Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are. – Casting Crowns

I was traversing the chaos of EDSA, my mind adrift from all the noise. I was deprived of sleep the previous night because of one big presentation we just got over with, and the only activity my brain was capable of doing (other than sending signals to my leg muscles to move – which is involuntary anyway), was to watch my left and right feet racing against each other as I walked.

Then almost unconsciously, I started humming these lines from a song I remember a friend once made me listen to. Suddenly, I stopped watching my feet altogether (for my brain, as I said, was only capable of doing one activity at a time) and started to recall how the song went.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

Apparently, those were the only lines I remembered. But perhaps, those were the only lines I needed at that time.

Then I found out that it’s easier to think about God’s goodness and blessings than watching your feet and waiting which foot is going to win the race (pinaglaban daw ang mga paa, hehe). That even though you feel like your eyelids are shutting off and your body is slowly deteriorating and longing for the comforts of a bed, it only takes minimal amount of energy (and it's relaxing even) to utter a word of prayer and thanks for the unanticipated academic fulfillments, simple joys, and dreams that are happening right before your eyes:

Getting the highest score in a midterm exam, Dad surviving a week in the hospital, getting approved to hold practicum at OMF Literature this coming April, Australia getting nearer and more real each day (Hi Ate Dots & Kuya Mitch, if you’re reading, I’m gonna email you soon.ü), and taking pleasure in the truth that God is doing something in this life of mine, unimportant and unnoticed in this world as it may seem.

Now, I happen to be in yet again another crucial moment of my college life. They call it hell week, I call it faith week. And inasmuch as I want to update this site more often (and share with you what God’s been doing in my life), with the finals coming up, my thesis and several other papers waiting in line, and a big time Media Research presentation na kailangang karirin – I’m surprised I even got the drive to blog here, in a net café (my modem is in ruins, pfft) in the middle of it all. What can I say, for blog aficionados such as I am, some things are just meant to be done no matter how busy life may be. Just one blog, I said to myself, then I’d disappear again. Hehe.

As for the competition between my two feet which existed only in my mind (Ahhh sanity! Where art thou in times like these?), I forgot to monitor which foot won. But of course it didn't matter. In the end, what mattered was they got me to where I was going, and in reality, I wouldn’t have to worry about them being a competition to each other. In fact, they are even designed to work together to serve their purpose (thank God!).

Lessons of the Week.
Surviving the past weeks is grace. Braving the strong waves against my tattered and worn-out shell with God as my sail is faith. Achievements and fulfillments throughout the month is joy. Learning about myself the hard way, admitting who I’ve become, and accepting change is courage. Knowing that He cares, that He sees each tear that falls, that He listens to every prayer, even those groanings too deep for words, is love.

Grace. Faith. Joy. Courage. Love. These are just a few things God taught me this week. And I know I could go on and on trying to define what I know of these concepts base from how God allowed me to experience them, but even so, He will always have more to uncover, new things to reveal each day, in every opportunity that comes by.

Such things you don’t learn in any textbooks, or in school. Such things He can only teach.

I am His.
Have I mentioned I am one repressed student in Ethics class? Well, I’m mentioning it now, hehe. Because I wasn’t used to being bibo in class discussions, I often just sit in one silent corner with all my thoughts, retaliations included, stuck in my head.

Last week, our professor, The Great, ehem, Sir Varona, asked the class this question we often hear: “If you were going to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 (10 being the best; 1, the worst), where shall you place yourself?” One by one my classmates raised their hands, excited to share their thoughts. Almost all of them placed themselves above average, but were careful enough not to say that s/he's a 10.

As for me, if I were given a chance to speak up then, I would probably say that in human standards, I’m a 5. Or maybe even less. I am often unconfident about myself, about what I can do, about who I am. I have always been vocal about not really knowing which field I excel in, often thinking that I’m mediocrity personified. In my lifetime I have hurt people (even those I care about) because I am selfish, arrogant, insensitive, and because of this I only feel more dismayed of myself. Too much frustrations, eh?

But then again, in this seemingly disappointing life that I have, I learned (and continually being reminded so) that it is only when I see myself in God’s eyes that I shall know my real worth. Yes, I am still a non-graduate. Laziness incarnate. Mediocre. A spoiled brat. A frustrated musician. A wannabe in a lot of things. A sinner. A nobody.

But I am His.

And in this life, that’s the one thing that matters to me above everything else. And perhaps, to answer Sir Varona’s question, I am, yes, in God’s eyes, a 10.

Not because of who I am, but because of what You’ve done.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who You are.

If only I had the chance to say that in Ethics class.

Haay. Haaaaaay. :)

Plugs: (It's been a long time since I last did this)
♥Mikks Jampot Aichee Normi Vanya Daxi
Thanks for the comments guys. :)

Riz Blabbered @ 10:09:00 AM.