I’m back. c",)

Ok, so I was gone again. I wasn’t on a hiatus, but well, yes, I left without any warning here so let me explain first, Mikks. (Yo Mikks, my avid reader, you’re the best, dude, hehe, don’t worry, I’m ok.) I just got home yesterday night from IVCF’s annual weeklong Leadership-Discipleship Camp for college students. I served as one of the coordinators/counselors to about 85 campers from all over National Capital Region from October 21 to 27. So there, that’s where I’ve been.

Why Was I There?
I didn’t know too. Months ago, I was invited to be one of the counselors. I said I’d pray about it. Two weeks prior to camp, I sort-of had those silent days with God. I was on a spiritual monotone which, most of the time, led to nights of depression, guilt, and emptiness. I attended church services feeling a sense of hypocrisy, knowing well that my heart is partial, unenthusiastic. I layout-ed the camp manual with a sense of obligation, only because there’s no one else to do the job. I prepared the curriculum we needed for the camp, questioning God why I had to. Mostly, I know my heart wasn’t there, but I felt like something’s driving my feet to the direction of the camp.

In all those times I longed to cry, to release all the confusion and weariness I feltin my heart. Still, I know I had to be there.

Sometimes, when God calls you to a certain mission or responsibility, the call is too clear, too definite, as if it came with lightning and you actually heard God’s voice telling you what to do (just as Saul heard God’s voice with a light flashed before him, prior to his conversion, Acts 9). But sometimes, the calling just isn’t clear and you’re faced with so many questions, and uncertainties.

I went there feeling inadequate, unworthy. I knew I wasn’t prepared spiritually. I knew I wasn’t ready to serve. I knew I wasn’t ready to be one of the supposed “models”, and I knew deep inside that I was holding on to something I cannot let go of. Still, I went there, with a sincere prayer for God to minister to me as well, in spite of.

Blindness.
I knew I was running away from Him. I knew He was instructing me to do something that I’m not yet ready of. I knew I was neglecting Him. I knew that my heart is starting to be hardened, little by little.

The night before the campers arrived, I, along with the other counselors, had our own spiritual preparation. We’ve done that several times before that for a moment there, I refused to be moved. I was skeptical. In my mind, I was prepared to be made to feel guilty and unworthy, and I didn’t like it. But then, God has His own ways. And you just can’t help but be amazed because even the hardest of hearts can be made broken with Him.

With my eyes blindfolded, I was led to an empty space on the beach, with the sand on my feet and the cold air on my face. There was nothing but silence. I was alone with God. I felt like there was no other choice but to face my fears, to speak to Him and allow Him to speak to me. There and then, I heard Him say, “Nak, kailangan ko pa bang takpan ang mga mata mo at ilagay ka sa kawalan para makuha ko ang atensyon mo?” Behind the blindfolds I felt the tears. In the midst of the cold, I felt His warm embrace.

All I was ever able to tell him that time were cries of apology and repentance. And on and on, He assured me of His love.

He loves me, even in my unworthiness. He uses me, even in my disobedience. He assures me of His promises, even in my selfishness and pride. Where can you find such love?

Struggles.
The Christian life is a cycle of struggles. God brings us to mountain top experiences, and sends us back to the valley where we are made to face pains, hurts, uncertainties, tough choices. We fall, we stumble, and He does something again to win us back. I’m sure everyone of you will agree that being a Christian is not an easy thing to do. We are tested every day, and are called to do almost impossible tasks. However, on top of the pain, sacrifices, and struggles that come along with being a Christian, is the inexplainable joy that only God can give.

Again and again, I say, in spite of all the stumbling and unworthiness, inspite of knowing our deepest thoughts and selfish desires, God loves us just the same. Astig ka talaga, Lord.

I’m back home, and I know the real battlefield starts here, now. I still find myself broken to pieces, but I know, in God’s own time, He’ll mold me and make me complete, just as He wants me to be. And I’m just glad that God is so patient with me, as He is with everyone of us.

You search me, You know me, You see my every move
There’s nothing I could ever do to hide myself from You
You know my thoughts, my fears and hurts, my weaknesses and pride
You know what I’m going through,what I feel inside

And even though You know, You will always love me
Even though You know, You’ll never let me go
I don’t deserve Your love but You give it freely
You will always love me, even though You know...

(thanks for sharing this song with me, Rits. *winks*)

With just His love, nothing else matters.

Riz Blabbered @ 1:50:00 PM.