Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

hacked.
our PC was hacked by some unknown creature. arg. someone signed my guestbook, i checked her site out, and now, i get pop ups and other annoying ads even when i'm offline. i can't get them off. my friend, (yihee, friend na kita mark!) told me it's called, uh.. spyware. something like that. help? anyone?

riding in cars with boys.
i clicked on HBO a while ago, and this old Drew Barrymore flick was on. it was both funny and touching.. and the kid, who's name happened to be Jason (of all names! ha, ha!) was really adorable. the plot was kinda typical. Barrymore was a 15 year old mother, going through all the struggles of trying to get a college scholarship, and raising a kid by herself. it was from a book which she authored where the title of the movie came from. if im not mistaken, it was a true story. anyway, typical as it was, i found myself gripping my pillow and crying like crazy before the movie ended. i dont know though, if it was the effect of the movie itself or i'm just plain cheesy. i loved these lines most specially..

Fay (the bestfriend): how bout you, do you love Jason?
Bev (Drew): yes.. no.. i'm not really sure...
Fay: what do you mean?
Bev: i'm really don't know if i really, really love him or if i just have to love him.. *sobs* and the fact that i dont know scares me to death. i am such a bad mother...
Fay: oh come on.. you're not! take my word for it, you love him. it's just that.. sometimes, we love a person too much that we become numb about it. because if we actually feel how much we love the person, it kills us. but that doesnt make you a bad person.. it only means your heart is too big..

sweet huh? :) uh.. i knew it. i was just cheesy.

enough about that.

the depression that was. (cross entry from my tabulas)
i hate it that when i get inspired to blog something, most of the time it's because of depression or disappointment. i'll try to blog about happy thoughts soon. but now, allow me to rant.

you know that feeling? that after almost a whole day of laughter, and genuine happiness, most especially, after a realy inspiring Sunday Worship, you suddenly find yourself wanting to go home quick, lock yourself up in your room and cry out all the repressed tears brought about by your anxieties and unexplainble emptiness? that feeling when you find yourself worrying about your life again, wishing you could do something to make your dreams come true, and trying to fight the helplessness inside?

man, that's one of the worst feelings.

but worse than that is.. even before you cry it all out, the pain is doubled, because you know deep inside that you shouldnt be feeling that way.. that your heart is focused somewhere else.. and that all your fears are brought about by your impatience and lack of faith.

i recently felt that. i'm glad it's over now.

* * *

who would have thought that God would send His comfort through an old Max Lucado Devotional Guide?

locked up in my room, i started reading this devotional I got on sale from OMF Lit, and page after page, God revealed His reassurances again. And i knew right then, that He was the one speaking, because as tears started to fall from my eyes, i was reminded again of that love He gave me at the cross -- that love unending, unchanging, inspite of my inconsistencies. and as i prayed and voiced out to Him all these thoughts, the fears and worries i have kept inside for quite some time, all of which He already knew right from the start, I started feeling every thorn being lifted out of my chest, and every fear being washed away..

i have been impatient. and yes, at times i get depressed easily too. but here goes one grand truth. God loves me anyway. and nothing, not even depression, can separate me from that love. and His love for me, for us, won't get stronger if my faith was.. it wont get deeper if my thoughts were.. His love is consistent, unchanging, right where I am, right how I am.

and having ME on His mind while He walked His way to the cross was more than enough proof.

being reminded all these, i started feeling better because i know that He loves me with that kind of love which can wash away every pain, every heartache, every fear.

Which reminds me of this song..

"Crucified, laid behind a stone
Lived to die, rejected and alone
Like a rose, trampled on the ground..
You took the fall.. and thought of me
Above all.."

Sigh. He loves me. He loves us. That much.

plugs.
keren ruth vanya slither in shadows brokensaint nonie trisha

Riz Blabbered @ 4:30:00 PM.

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