The Week That Was.
I’ve wanted to do this. I’ve been wanting to blog for days. But with every attempt, I’ve found myself in front of a blank screen, staring at a blinking cursor, unable to put my thoughts into a coherent set of words.

You can just imagine how hard I’m trying right now.

I have so much stories to tell, but there they are -- undocumented, preserved in blank spaces, etched in my mind, stamped in my heart, yet estimated to later drift away, if not to the unforgotten, to at least a blurred past. Sigh. It would have been nice to read through them someday.

I should have blogged something about our photosession with Ganns two Saturdays ago, about finally meeting Mikks, and how excited I am for LiveTheLife Mag. I should have blogged about my Kitchie Nadal CD story. Or about going to the book launch of This Is My Story with Ivy and Jen. Those Starbucks sessions with my friends. My thesis which I haven’t started doing yet. SV’s first BigF this semester. That interview with an economics professor I was paid to do. Those conversations with Ate Jam in all the weird places (hehe, kahit saan abutan, right ate? *winks*). Bus rides with Bij, my new friend and pakner. Giving Ate Normi’s site a makeover.. and helping Doc Broks with his comeback layout. Streetdancing (for the first time in my whole life) with my JoyClub friends during one of our church’s afternoon fellowships. Reading the Da Vinci Code. Well, there are tons more but I would probably frustrate myself further if I continued listing them down.

So there. The past two weeks, summarized in one big messy paragraph. I wish I could figure out a way to blog at least some of them someday, like, soon.

You give it all for me, my soul desire my everything..
and all I am is devoted to You..

My Cry, My One Desire.
I have been reading my old journal entries a lot these days, thinking that God must have wanted me to review the things He taught me in the past and draw strength from them. Over and over God has made me realize that I haven’t really passed His tests of patience just yet. Because of my stubbornness, I have found myself walking around in circles on my own version of wilderness -- infested with impatience, self-interest and doubts. And He probably won’t take me out of this until He thinks I’m broken enough, torn to tiny pieces like grain, so He can mold me the way He wanted.

Sometime in the past months I wrote this prayer to God.

I’m tired of being too much affected, Lord. My heart is weak, hurting. Silence my heart Lord, take all the pain away so I can focus again on the things that matter most. Lord, sa inyo na lang po yung puso ko.. please Lord? Make me fall really in love with you so I won’t have any room in my heart for anyone else.. please?

Last night, I cried that prayer again.

I had so many questions.. came to a point where I even began to question the way He’s handling my life.. demanded explanations why I am where I am.. begged for Him to reveal to me how all these uncertainties are gonna end.

And then I remembered David and the ordeals he had to go through because of his own disobedience, so as to experience God’s grace. I remembered Job and how God allowed him to be put to horrible, unimaginably painful tests to prove his undying devotion to Him. I remembered Joseph and how his brothers despised him, how God sent him to a foreign land before his dreams were made real. I remembered Paul and Silas, how they were put to a dark and cold prison, chained to torture, so as to experience the kind of worship where nothing made sense except that God is simply worthy.

And then it hit me.. Who am I to question God? Who am I to demand for an explanation when I have experienced minimal pain in my life as compared to these men?

How could I fail to see, You are the love that rescued me..
and all I am is devoted to You..

God did it before, He’s doing it again. I have often asked if I am getting the right messages, if I’m hearing the right go-signals, if my heart is at right with Him. And then I have come to the point where I stopped asking what’s right, started thinking that it was a futile effort to know, and began trusting my gut feel instead. Apparently, while God greatly speaks to me through my emotions, He wants me, more than anything, to continue seeking, study His Word, and strive more to fully grasp what He’s doing in my life.

God has made me smile a lot in the past week. And I don’t disqualify the validity of the things that happened, and the truth that in all those days, God really did something. Thus, because of these wonderful things – count the laughter and tears, the excitement and simple joys, even the incomprehensible dealings – I am moved to strive even more, to do my utmost to make Him smile.

And oh, how could I not be moved, Lord here with You
So have your way in me..
Cause Lord there is just one thing that I will seek..

This is my cry, my one desire
Just to be where you are Lord now and forever
It's more than a song, my one desire
Is to be with you, is to be with you, Jesus..

My one cry. My one desire. To be where He is. To be where He wants me to be. To do what He wants me to do. To fall in love with Him more and more each day. To have my heart filled with thoughts of Him so that I won’t have any more room in it for anyone or anything else.

The one thing, The one thing I ask, Is to be with You..

Hear my prayer Lord, please hear my prayer.. for I won't stop until my desires align with Yours, until I get to that place where nothing else matters but being with You.

Riz Blabbered @ 8:05:00 PM.