Outbursts. Exactly One Month After.
I am two papers (with only minor revisions to them), and a class presentation away from semestral break. I’m taking my time, not rushing through the remaining paperwork, since all of them are due in a considerably long period of a week anyway. Last week was the finale of my five-theses-worth-subject, culminating with a big college event (exhibit/colloquium thing) last Friday which our whole class got through with in flying colors (Thank you Lord!) Days passed by in a blur, and now, I can finally say that I’m getting enough hours of sleep each day.

You are forever in my life, You see me through the season
Cover me with Your hand, and lead me in Your righteousness..

Grace. That’s one word to sum up how I got through it all. I have to admit, during the past days (ohh.. those hiatus days, yeaaah..), I have gone through a roller coaster ride of depression, stress, self-pity, nervous breakdown, relief, and depression over again. Several times I have asked God questions that start with “why”, most of them unanswered until now. Many times I have thought of giving up, dropping all my subjects, and just disappear to nothingness. Sometimes, I have wakened up to the sound of my doubts and fears that seemed to follow me even in my dreams. At certain times I cried for help, only to find Him silent, making me feel as if I’m alone.

But there He goes again, following me around when I should be the one following Him, waiting for me to fall back into His kung-fu tight embrace. So ok, I have to admit, for a while there I had little faith. But His faithfulness is more than enough to sustain me, to see me through. I asked Him to take me out of the situation I was in, but instead of pulling me out of it, He went right there and accompanied me all through out. The prayers, which I thought were unanswered, were actually answered, not the way I wanted them, but the way He wanted.. to teach me a lesson, and perhaps, for a more dramatic conclusion – to have him glorified even more.

And I sing to You Lord, a hymn of love for Your faithfulness to me..

Incidentally, the Praise and Worship Night at our church two Sundays ago was just perfect to end my days of “hiatus”. Come to think of it, my hiatus days were not only here on this site but in real life as well. I feel as if for a while there, I was compelled to get away to a place where I have to face the things that are expected of me, where there was no time to find other ways of release.

But there, during the Praise and Worship Night, on a dark corner of our worship hall, I found release. God gave me the answers to my seemingly “unanswered” questions. Some answers were just what I needed to hear. Yet, some were beyond my understanding and for sure, were meant for me to simply wait and trust Him for.

And just like last year, the night marked another momentous event in the history of our church. He is just so amazing, don’t you think? So wonderfully amazing that you just can’t help but burst out with joy and praise (which, by the way, what inspired this new layout of mine, hehe). It was indeed, a mountaintop experience, I’m sure not only for me, but for many others as well.

I’m carried in everlasting arms, You’ll never let me go.. Through it all..

In those times I thought I was alone, in those moments I almost gave up, through all those prayers I thought were unanswered, God simply whispered to my ears, “Riz, I was there all along..” With such stubborn love and devotion from Him, what else can I do but cry and say, "You'll really do everything to win us back huh? Thank you Lord, suko na po.."

Now, I'm back down from the mountaintop experience.. but here I still am -- walking, singing, and humming to His music.

As for this site, well, I'm back. c",)

Riz Blabbered @ 10:56:00 AM.