Design and Writings by Riz
Bluedfiles Version 17
� April 2005

drowning.
i flunked one of my midterm exams. yup, that one i had sleepless nights studying for. my world felt like shattering to really tiny pieces when i got my blue book this morning. my life, again, is on a thin line. my hope now, lies on my second exam. call me insane but really, if that fails too, i might as well disappear.

sorry for the unedifying words but pessimism is seriously eating me up right now.

oh, and yeah. i'm almost broke. that rarely happens. and i don't know how it did but right now, i dont have enough dough to last me a week.

for the first time in a long while, i was in tears again.

get this picture: a while ago i was in front of our computer, trying to connect to the net. i needed to send our review of related literature to my groupmate, which is due a few hours from now. and as a warning blinked from the computer screen which indicated that i didnt have credits on my internet account anymore, tears just started dripping down my eyes.

until now, as i type this -- on a dimly lit internet cafe a few walks away from our house.

needless to say, i cried not because the freaking account ran off.

i never thought i've repressed that much tears.

i long for someone's comfort but there's none.

i long to be taken out of this pit where i am right now but i cant find my way out.

i long to get over all the responsibilities i accepted, ever-so-confidently, believing that i can handle them all by myself, only to realize that i cant.

and there i was, crying silently in the confines of my room, fearing that someone would see my weaknesses, my fears, my incapability to do what's expected of me.

there i was, scared of being alone again.

and later on, i knew, i'd find myself out into the once more, armed with a mask which covers up the tears, which seems to say that i'm just fine when deep inside i'm crying like a little kid, hoping to find her way home.

i know Lord, i got your point. i knew it right from the start.
the problem with me is, i've become too stubborn again.
it's not yet too late Lord, is it?

Riz Blabbered @ 1:46:00 PM.

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